(satire)
Cern scientists reporting from the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) have claimed the discovery of a new so-called ethics particle consistent with evidence that tiny sub-atomic traces of honesty could theoretically exist in traders at Barclays Bank – albeit in miniscule amounts.
Confirmation of the appearance of microscopic principles – which exist for only micro-seconds before decaying into more base instincts – in traders deep inside the heart of Barclays will finally put to rest doubts by scientists and experts – some of whom have long doubted the existence of any ethical behaviour in the financial institution at all.
The minute traces of decency – weighing in at a tiny 125.3 gigaelectronvolts (GeV) – has been the subject of a 45-year hunt to explain the scientific mystery of how so much of everything we can see can be swallowed up by banks when they comprise just 4% of the detectable Universe; the rest being made up by mysterious dark matter known by scientists as ‘bonuses’.
It would also explain the mystery of how the majority of the dark energy that exists in the hearts of bankers has managed to go undetected by experts for so long, despite evidence that financial institutions such as Barclays seem to be able to accumulate masses of material wealth with virtually no energy at all being exerted on their part.
However, despite the discovery, many scientists still doubt the existence of ethics in the dark matter that comprises up to 96% of bankers in financial institutions. One physicist explained the doubts felt by many in the scientific community:
I’m more likely to accept the moon was made of cheese than believe traces of ethical behaviour have been discovered in Barclays – no matter how small.
A confirmation of the existence of particles of honesty in top bankers would be one of the biggest scientific discoveries of the century; the hunt for ethics in banking has been compared by some physicists to the Apollo programme that reached the Moon in the 1960s.
.
Related articles by Tom Pride:
Banking Scandal – inquiry to be led by experts on corruption, lying and stealing: MPs
Government Cracks Down On Banking Scandals By Ordering Bob Diamond To Urgently Change His Surname
Lest we forget – in 2007 Cameron endorsed even less regulation of banks than Labour ……
Independent Commission – excessive banking can cause blindness
Labour ‘too reliant’ on banking community leaders for votes
Gov’ plan to reduce UK deficit – and bankers’ pay – by 100,000%
PM Blames Banking Crisis On Labour’s Prawn Offensive & Shellfish Bankers
MP urges easing of banker smacking laws
Cameron – Capping Banker’s Benefits At £26,000 An Hour “A Basic Issue of Fairness”
Money for child victims of medical negligence to go to Goldman Sachs executives instead
Government Responds To Banking Crisis By Cutting Benefits For Disabled Kids
Bank of England Warns Banks To Build Up Reserves Of Hyperbole As Eurozone Crisis Deepens
Government Agrees To Sell Off Entire Loss-Making Britain
Ed Miliband: Occupy Movement Right To Focus On Problems With Camping
Severe conditions alert for UK as cold front of austerity paralyses the country
The (Real) Definition Of Standard & Poor’s Credit Ratings…..
.
Please feel free to comment – you don’t need to register and I’m extremely minimal with the moderating – so fire away.
.
By the way, if you click on any of these buttons below, you’ll be doing me a huge favour by sharing this article with other people. Thanks:
jaynel62 said:
This is worth Millions Tom
LikeLike
marcusmoore said:
Hi Tom,
I think this probably supports other findings from CERN about money and black holes:
http://marcusmoore.wordpress.com/2011/09/23/faster-than-light/
LikeLike
Tom Pride said:
Hi Marcus,
Great minds think …. the same!
Most impressed by your site.
As you can see from this comment – I’ve just finished reading your ‘Mary Had A Tiny Sheep’ post.
Fun isn’t it?
Regards,
Tom
PS I’ve added a ….connection…to your site.
🙂
If anyone wants to know what we’re on about – have a peek at Marcus’s post here:
Mary had a tiny sheep
LikeLike
Pingback: Diamond Blames Whitehall Officials For Allowing Him To Be An Obscenely Overpaid Loan Shark « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Bankers are giving Parasites a bad name. | Think Left
shakkka said:
Reblogged this on militantmoments.
LikeLike
Pingback: Scientists Claim Tiny Sub-Atomic Traces of Ethics Discovered in Barclays «
Tom Pride said:
Thanks for the reblogs guys. Your support is much appreciated.
LikeLike
Pingback: New government rules – teachers to get just £2 million payout after dismissal for incompetence « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Senior government adviser warns that problem banking families ‘have too many children’ « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Rat warning as floods flush out pests from city boardrooms « Pride's Purge
Pingback: While the government does nothing about corporate tax evasion – plumbers are going to prison for it « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Ministers Admit Paying Tradesmen Cash-In-Hand To Run Country « Pride's Purge
Pingback: PM – make competitive sports compulsory for bankers aged 50 – 65 « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Government To Boost Jobs By Making It Easier For Employers To Kill Staff « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Moody’s downgrades Moody’s on excessively materialistic outlook and crap forecasts « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Scientists: intelligent life not possible on planet with 4 Suns – even without page 3 « Pride's Purge
Pingback: David Cameron stands by plan to reduce energy bills with more hot air « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Romney – Hurricane Sandy is God’s way of telling us Wall St needs more bailing out « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Romney – “I can fix broken Washington – by outsourcing it to China” « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Experts: nhs dieback ‘impossible to eradicate’ without drastic change of government « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Relief across UK as floods move northwards to more unimportant parts of the country « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Barclays Pays Executive £3m to Clamp Down on High Pay « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Iceland gives bankers 9 months in prison – while in the UK we knight them « Pride's Purge
Pingback: Disgraced bank chief Sir James Crosby to give up 30% of his title and become Si Crosby | Pride's Purge
Pingback: Top bankers aren’t sorry for their reckless behaviour. They’re openly laughing at us. | Pride's Purge
Pingback: World’s first lab-grown baby is eaten in London | Pride's Purge
Pingback: ‘Mini-brains’ grown by scientists in lab give valuable insight into BNP voters | Pride's Purge
Pingback: Drug addict ‘seeking help’ after admitting being a banker | Pride's Purge
Pingback: Personal debt to banks: £1.4tn. Taxpayer-funded bailout to banks: £1.6tn. Connection? | Pride's Purge
Pingback: David Cameron launches inquiry into abuse of pure ‘methodism’ by top bankers | Pride's Purge
Pingback: The definition of IQ according to Einstein | Pride's Purge
Pingback: Scientists discover Tories’ reasoning ability rivals that of a 7-year-old human child | Pride's Purge
Pingback: Cameron’s morality resigns after being declared bankrupt | Pride's Purge
Pingback: Cameron’s office calls police on Bishop trying to deliver letter on poverty (not satire!) | Pride's Purge
Pingback: Scientists shocked after small traces of integrity detected at heart of Tory Party | Pride's Purge