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(satire)

Astronomers have found a planet which has four Suns – but have concluded it would not be possible for intelligent life to survive the pressure of the large amounts of crap created by such a large number of tabloid publications circulating around it.

Scientists estimate that the presence of even more than just one Sun on any planet would squeeze all traces of intelligence from any life forms within reading distance of it and would reduce them to a level of sub-intelligence experts call ‘Tory’.

A team of astronomers from UK and US astronomical institutes have made detailed observations of the effects of the Sun on intelligent life and have concluded the constant bombardment of articles about dim stars – many of whom are bright orange – would have an extremely detrimental effect on the intelligence of even the most intellectual of life forms subjected to it.

The findings come after scientists recently discovered several extinct and ageing stars of extraordinary dimness orbitting a massive black hole at the heart of the BBC as well as claiming to have detected miniscule traces of sub-atomic particles of ethics in traders at Barclays Bank.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Scientists discover dim stars orbitting massive black hole at heart of BBC

Kayax Burleyus – scientists discover living vampire dinosaur on satellite television

Scientists Claim Tiny Sub-Atomic Traces of Ethics Discovered in Barclays

BBC – No Bias Against Extremist, Loony Left-Wing Parties Like Labour

Controversial urine extraction method given go-ahead by government.

Diet High In Red Tops Increases Risk of Heart Attacks

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