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UPDATE – Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s AAA credit rating.

A lot of people are talking about credit rating agencies Fitch and Moody’s decision to put the UK on so-called ‘negative watch’ as well as Standard & Poor’s downgrading of several EU countries last January but not many people actually understand what the ratings mean.

So here’s a quick guide to help you understand the ratings system.

The general meaning of Fitch, Moody’s and Standard & Poor’s credit rating system is summarized below for leaders, investors and economists:

‘AAA’— To be honest – your economy could well be f****ed for all we know, we actually haven’t a clue. But just as long as you let us continue making obscene amounts of money by regulating us as lightly as possible you’re alright by us. Highest rating.

‘AA’—Whoooa! You’re spending far too much on schools and hospitals and not giving enough away in tax breaks to financial institutions like us so we’re giving you a warning.

‘A’—You just wouldn’t listen, would you? If your economy wasn’t f****ed before, it could well be now that we’ve decided to downgrade you to this. Besides, we shorted your bonds yesterday so we’ll be making shedloads of dosh by doing this to you.

‘BBB’— Even you must realise by now you’re definitely getting f****ed.  By us mainly.

‘BBB-‘—Why even bother checking any more? You know you’re f***ed.

‘BB+’—Not only is your economy f****ed but anyone who was doing business with you is also f****ed.

‘BB’—Here’s a surprise, you’re actually doing OK. Nah. Only joking. You’re f***ed really.

‘B’—Hahaha!

‘CCC’— Your economy is so poor you were f****ed even before you started.

‘CC’—  You’re so f****ed you probably won’t be able to avoid being sold into slave labour along with all the rest of your fellow citizens. Unless you follow our advice and flog off all your natural resources. To us.

‘C’— So you flogged off all your natural resources to us, sold your fellow countrymen into slavery for international western corporations and after all that, guess what? You’re still f****ed!

‘D’— Yawn. You’re too poor for us to even bother with. 

Note: Ratings from ‘F***ed’ to ‘Definitely F****ed’ may be modified by the addition of a plus (+) or minus (-) sign to show relative degree of being f****ed within the major rating categories.

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