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After the failure of David Cameron to even be listened to at previous EU Summits, the government has decided to appoint Engelbert Humperdinck to represent the UK at the next EU summit.

The announcement to replace Mr Cameron with a more effective representative was made after the PM formally complained that he is being ignored by other European countries.

At the latest EU summit on jobs and growth in Brussels attended by Mr Cameron, Britain’s proposals received nul points and were not even included in the draft summit conclusions.

The 75-year-old Mr Humperdinck, dubbed the “King of Romance”, is thought to be much more effective at negotiations, mainly because he is a likeable, charming  crooner best known for his repertoire of inoffensive, middle-of-the-road string of popular hits, unlike Cameron who is a toffee-nosed, arrogant tosser best known for his repertoire of offensive, extremist string of popular failures.

The singer said it was “an absolute honour” to be taking part in EU diplomacy on behalf of Britain and was “excited and raring to go” to renegotiate the UK’s fiscal and political responsibilities to the rest of the European Union.

Humperdinck – whose real name is Arnold Dorsey – has sold more than 150 million records worldwide during his 45 year career.

The PM – whose real name is David Cameron – has sold more than 66 million UK citizens down the river during his 2 year career.

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