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Cern scientists reporting from the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) have claimed the discovery of a new so-called ethics particle consistent with evidence that tiny sub-atomic traces of honesty could theoretically exist in traders at Barclays Bank – albeit in miniscule amounts.

Confirmation of the appearance of microscopic principles – which exist for only micro-seconds before decaying into more base instincts – in traders deep inside the heart of Barclays will finally put to rest doubts by scientists and experts – some of whom have long doubted the existence of any ethical behaviour in the financial institution at all.

The minute traces of decency – weighing in at a tiny 125.3 gigaelectronvolts (GeV) – has been the subject of a 45-year hunt to explain the scientific mystery of how so much of everything we can see can be swallowed up by banks when they comprise just 4% of the detectable Universe; the rest being made up by mysterious dark matter known by scientists as ‘bonuses’.

It would also explain the mystery of how the majority of the dark energy that exists in the hearts of bankers has managed to go undetected by experts for so long, despite evidence that financial institutions such as Barclays seem to be able to accumulate masses of material wealth with virtually no energy at all being exerted on their part.

However, despite the discovery, many scientists still doubt the existence of ethics in the dark matter that comprises up to 96% of bankers in financial institutions. One physicist explained the doubts felt by many in the scientific community:

I’m more likely to accept the moon was made of cheese than believe traces of ethical behaviour have been discovered in Barclays – no matter how small.

A confirmation of the existence of particles of honesty in top bankers would be one of the biggest scientific discoveries of the century; the hunt for ethics in banking has been compared by some physicists to the Apollo programme that reached the Moon in the 1960s.


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