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(satire – barely)

The government has announced a package of measures to boost the economy and reduce unemployment by making it easier for employers to kill and maim their staff.

The coalition is hoping by scrapping health and safety regulations more job opportunities will be created for the long-term unemployed by making it easier for employers to get rid of their existing workers by killing or seriously injuring them, in what the Government is calling a ‘blitz on blood-red tape.’

From April 2013, new binding rules on both the Health & Safety Executive and on local authorities, will exempt thousands of businesses from making sure their employees don’t lose parts of their bodies while at work.

Business Minister Michael Fallon said:

Today’s announcement injects fresh impetus into our drive to cut through the red tape preventing employers from maiming their staff. We have identified the parts of people’s bodies we would like to see cut more and we are going to make sure both large and small firms have the flexibility to be able to hire new staff with fresh arms and legs that can also be cut off if necessary.

Alexander Ehmann, Head of Regulatory Policy at the Institute of Directors said:

Excessive regulation of the number of limbs employers have to safeguard costs time and money, both of which business owners would rather spend on developing new hobbies, buying bigger cars and going on expensive holidays both here and abroad. The IoD encourages Michael Fallon to turn up the heat on the reduction in size and shape of employees’ bodies and help to get Britain’s economy moving again by allowing more of them to be killed off.

A spokespserson for Downing Street said the government hoped cutting heath and safety regulations at work would provide a much-needed boost to the economy as well as reducing unemployment:

It’s clear that not only by allowing employers to cull their workforces more efficiently we will be creating more jobs, but it will also boost the economy by encouraging consumer spending on things like healthcare, artificial limbs and funerals.


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