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David Cameron today rebutted criticisms that his government was not taking the crisis in the banking sector seriously enough by announcing the coalition would very soon introduce legislation to curb the excesses of out-of-control arthropods.

The Prime Minister was especially critical of the so-called prawn cocktail offensives under the previous Labour administration, where crayfish and other crustaceans were given large alcoholic drinks decorated with little umbrellas by government ministers which then resulted in them getting so drunk that they managed to crash the economy.

In a statement, Mr Cameron said:

I can put to rest once and for all the myth that this government is going soft on the people who caused this economic crisis. That is why we have decided to put a cap on all bonuses paid out to shellfish in the banking sector, including cash and share packages paid to all shrimps, prawns and crayfish.

He went on to say that he recognised it was imperative that policies were put into place immediately to clamp down on what he called a ‘minority of irresponsible invertebrates’ who had caused chaos in the financial markets by failing to rein in ‘their inherent shellfishness’:

We all know that shellfishness is an occupational hazard for freshwater palaemonids but this is a situation which this government will no longer accept. It’s time those bottom feeders in the financial sector were made to face up to their responsibilities – and that is why we intend to let the sharks take over instead.

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(Thanks to Stewart Wilson on FB for inadvertently giving me the idea. You see, Liberal Democrats can be useful sometimes.)

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