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Scientists are claiming minute amounts of integrity from a previously thought extinct species of Tory could still be residing at the heart of the Conservative Party – after the resignation of a minister over the government’s stance on Gaza.

According to a new study published today, the newly uncovered principles belong to a one and a half-meter-long foreign office minister known as Lady Warsi, a species of Tory previously thought to have been entirely uninhabited by morals of any kind.

Thomas Huxley famously discovered a rare genus of integrity surviving in the Tory Party as far back as 1859, but by the middle of the 20th century all subspecies of morals were long thought to have become extinct even in the furthest outreaches of the party.

The shock discovery comes not long after scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland claim to have detected minute traces of decency residing deep in the heart of Barclays Bank, consistent with evidence that tiny sub-atomic traces of honesty could theoretically exist in traders in the bank’s corporate investment division  – albeit in miniscule amounts.


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