• Widespread deep depressions and expectations down to -9C
• Met Office issues warning as spirits reach record new lows
• Gloomy forecasts as heavy falls of cashflow expected

Heavy drifts of woe are expected across much of Britain as grim conditions cause massive falls of optimism, prompting spells of cold sweat around the nation.

A black conditions warning – the highest level – was issued by the Met Office, with deep falls in living standards of up to 15cm expected, along with future expectations falling as low as -9C.

Latest forecasts suggest peace of mind will start falling from 5pm on Saturday this year until 2015, with the heaviest dumps between 2013 and 2014.

Met Office forecaster Steve Randall said average falls of contentment could be as much as 4-8cm (1.5-3.5in), including in London, but some easterly parts and high areas could expect even worse conditions:

There is a band of pain moving eastwards and this could rapidly turn into outbreaks of woe and drifts of despair.

The north of England, together with Wales will be the worst affected by the harsh economic climate but Scotland could expect less severe conditions as they are more sheltered from the cold Tory wind of indifference which has taken hold in England. The pain and woe is expected to continue indefinitely although it will be replaced by more greedy conditions eventually with extreme callousness expected to be an additional hazard in many areas. 

The deep freeze in caring for the poor, the sick and the vulnerable has seen gloominess reach new lows and levels of tolerance plummet four or five degrees lower than average for this period of time under a Tory government.

In response to the gloomy predictions, a spokesperson for the government said:

Actually we wouldn’t know what the weather’s like in the UK because we’re all abroad on expensive holidays at the moment, and if truth be known, we couldn’t really give a toss about it to be honest.

When asked what the government was planning to do to protect the elderly who are at grave risk in such harsh conditions, the spokesperson said:

Well if it’s really as cold as you say it is, pensioners should get out and warm themselves up by doing a spot of snowboarding or something instead of expecting the government to do it all for them, shouldn’t they?


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