(satire)
Teachers to be given seven figure disciplinary packages under new rules
Under new rules of dismissal based on methods used in the banking sector, heads of schools will now be able to sack poor teachers after only one term, and incompetent teachers can expect payouts of as little as £2 million.
The new rules come as the government strives to ensure that the same methods of dealing with incompetent workers in the private sector – for example the kinds of punishing million-pound severance packages reserved for failed bankers – are applied to public sector workers too.
Headteachers will be able to sack teachers who fail to live up to expectations after only a few months in a post, and will be able to make sure they only get a package worth £2 million, a lottery-sized pension scheme and a luxury sports car of their choice under new rules introduced by the government from September.
Before the new regulations, heads say complex regulations meant it could take up to a year to dismiss incompetent teachers and severance packages were often non-existent – but under the new rules teachers can be dismissed and given seven digit pay-offs in a matter of days. This means – like in the private sector – they can then go on to take another job elsewhere where they can collect further massive pay-offs for being completely useless at teaching children.
Ministers have issued new regulations that allow heads the power to give huge amounts of taxpayers’ money to a poorly performing teacher after a school term. They also state that even when a teacher has gone on long-term leave for illness, disciplinary bonus payouts will not need to be stopped.
In a related development, the government have confirmed that lollypop ladies who fail to ensure the safety of children crossing the road, will be punished with £200 bottles of Bollinger, solid gold hand-made lady’s or gentleman’s Rolex watches and a luxury holiday for two on a Caribbean island of their choice.
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Related articles by Tom Pride:
Diamond Blames Whitehall Officials For Allowing Him To Be An Obscenely Overpaid Loan Shark
Scientists Claim Tiny Sub-Atomic Traces of Ethics Discovered in Barclays
Banking Scandal – inquiry to be led by experts on corruption, lying and stealing: MPs
Government Cracks Down On Banking Scandals By Ordering Bob Diamond To Urgently Change His Surname
Lest we forget – in 2007 Cameron endorsed even less regulation of banks than Labour ……
Independent Commission – excessive banking can cause blindness
MP urges easing of banker smacking laws
Bank of England Warns Banks To Build Up Reserves Of Hyperbole As Eurozone Crisis Deepens
Severe conditions alert for UK as cold front of austerity paralyses the country
The (Real) Definition Of Standard & Poor’s Credit Ratings…..
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Why not just shoot incompetent people? There would be more incentive to do a job well, and there would be plenty of jobs available that the unemployed of this country would not have the skills for.
Those unemployed people could then be shot for incompetence, and foreigners could be drafted in to do the jobs. No matter how good at their jobs they may be in their native lands, language and culture issues would ensure they too were shot here for incompetence.
Grave diggers will have plenty of work, and, if they show the slightest incompetence, such as making the grave a millimetre short, they could be pushed in the grave along with the body it was dug for.
We could cull the entire world’s population quite nicely, with the aim of reducing hunger, global warming and over-population. When these noble aims fail, we can shoot ourselves for incompetence.
We should be able to completely wipe out our species, as long as we have enough bullets once the munitions manufacturers have been shot for incompetence.
If we do run out of bullets, there are plenty of other methods we can try, and if any method proves unsatisfactory we can kill those who suggested it.
I think my idea is silly, so I’m off to kill myself for incompetence.
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