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Clegg, Coalition, elections, Liberal Democrats

(satire)

ASK NICK

Got a problem? Why not get some sound advice from our regular agony aunt – Nick Clegg.

This week – Nick advises what to do about infidelity!

Dear Nick,
I’ve just discovered my husband’s been having an affair. He says he’s sorry but he says it wasn’t his fault because he should never have pledged to be faithful to me in the first place when he knew he couldn’t keep it.
Do you think I should leave him?
A Betrayed Partner

Dear Betrayed Partner,
You’re being a bit harsh on him don’t you think?
He’s already apologised, hasn’t he?
I think your expectations of marriage are far too high.
Anyway, he hasn’t really betrayed you because, as he explained, he should never have pledged to be faithful to you in the first place!
Stop making a mountain out of a molehill and give the poor guy a break.
Nick

Dear Nick,
A guy down our pub sold me a mobile phone recently. He promised me – in writing – that if I bought it my phone bills would be reduced to zero. So I bought it off him.
But then imagine my horror when the bill arrived and it was 3 times higher than it was before!
I got proper ripped off.
The problem is that last night I was down the pub and he was there again and I told him about it but all he said was – oh sorry, I got a bit over-ambitious, I was shafted too, it wasn’t my fault.
But then he tried to persuade me to buy another phone off him with more promises about how it would be better this time etc etc etc.
What should I do? Should I risk buying another one off him? Or tell him to shove it where the sun don’t shine?
Can I trust him a second time?
A Prospective Student

Dear Prospective Student,
Of course you can trust him.
Not only should you definitely buy another phone off him – you should tell all your mates to buy one off him too.
I’m sure it wasn’t his fault he lied to you. He’s probably just misunderstood.
Nick

Dear Nick,
I’m the head of a smallish company and I recently entered into a partnership with a larger firm.
At first everything was going well but then my partner started suggesting I should work more closely with him. Anyway, one thing led to another and he started to make more and more improper demands on me – saying if I didn’t give in to them he’d call off the partnership and my firm will suffer.
Now he’s shafting me virtually every day. Please help me! I don’t know what to do.
Should I break up the partnership now or continue to put up with this abusive relationship?
Worried of Westminster

Dear Worried of Westminster,
Of course you should continue with the partnership!
This man is only trying to help, stop being so ungrateful.
Pull yourself together, grit your teeth and bend over.
It’s for your own good.
Nick

Dear Nick,
My doctor told me a few months ago that I’ve got terminal cancer and I’ve only got a year to live max.
I’ve come to terms with it but when I told my employer about my illness my contract wasn’t renewed – they could do this because I’ve been employed on a temporary contract due to the recession.
The problem is that it’s going to be difficult to find another job which will only allow me to work for such a short time – apart from the fact I’m very sick all the time with the chemotherapy – and I can’t get any benefits because the government’s decided only people with less than 6 months to live are eligible for financial help.
What should I do?
A Cancer Patient

Dear Cancer Patient,
Stop whinging and get yourself a summer job.
Nick.

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