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(It’s not satire – it’s the LibDems!)

I’ve mentioned before how the Liberal Democrats are past masters of what George Orwell in his novel 1984 called ‘Doublethink‘  – the ability to maintain two contradictory ideas in one’s head simultaneously and believe them both to be true.

Well, we saw even more examples of ‘Doublethink‘ during the recent Liberal Democrat conference.

The most striking to me was how they constantly boasted that they are now a party of government while at the same time insisting they are the only real opposition to government.

Clearly it’s not possible to be in government and in opposition at the same time but the Lib Dems seem to genuinely believe they can be.

In his novel, George Orwell also imagined that a whole new vocabulary would have to be created in order to facilitate ‘Doublethink‘ – something he called ‘Newspeak‘.

Presumably with all their double thinking, the Liberal Democrats are going to have to be inventing some new words and phrases too.

So here are some useful ‘Newspeak‘ words I came up with to help out Nick Clegg and his Liberal Democrat colleagues:

Oppositionmentthe act of being in government while at the same time pretending to be in opposition to yourself.

“The Liberal Democrats would like to reassure everyone that our party will always be in complete oppositionment to our own scandalous privatisation of the NHS by resolutely doing absolutely nothing we can to stop ourselves doing everything we can to oppose ourselves.”

Constipulation: an affliction whereby sufferers are prone to making demands or stipulating terms and conditions of an agreement despite everyone knowing they’re actually just full of shit.

“You can ignore Vince Cable when he says the Liberal Democrats are going to demand changes to the bill – he’s just suffering from a bad case of constipulation.”

Deferiance: the act of pretending to defy or make a stand against something while at the same time bending over and surrendering yourself completely to it.

“In order to maintain the coalition agreement while at the same time showing they are a separate party, the Liberal Democrat leadership have had to show great deferiance to the Conservatives on a regular basis and as a consequence they must now have very sore bottoms.”

Fornickationthe act of openly screwing someone while at the same time insisting you’re not.

“Despite his insistence that the policy will help students, the tripling of tuition fees was just one of many acts of fornickation by Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats since they’ve been in government.”

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Lord Ashdown to Lib Dems – Prepare for well-hung government!

One little word so powerful it lost the Tories the last election (and probably the next)

Doctors – many LibDems suffering from Electile Dysfunction & fear of impotence

War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Fewer Affordable Homes is More Affordable Homes.

Lib Dems must stand behind Nick Clegg and use him as a human shitwall urges Paddy Ashdown

Nick Clegg Demands Britain’s Wealthiest Tories Pay More Attention To Him

Sheffield man left with nothing after falling victim to Westminster conmen

ASK NICK! Advice From Our Resident Agony Aunt – Nick Clegg

Liverpool FC owners cool interest in Nick Clegg

Despite his lack of relevance, Nick Clegg is likely to have attended sensitive meetings, No 10 admits

Lib Dems Hail ‘Sensational Victory’ In Bradford West By-Election

Experts Delve Mystery Of LibDem Love For ‘Dear Leader’

Liberal Democrats Threaten To Become Very Cross Over EU Veto

Nick Clegg announces £126m scheme to encourage employers to take on unemployed Lib Dem politicians after next election

Lib’ Dem’s Win Major Concessions From Tories Over NHS Bill Punctuation

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