(satire – or is it?)
The UK government has scrapped plans for all of UK society to come together and pay for the ceremonial funeral of ex-prime minister Margaret Thatcher after realising there is in fact no such thing as society.
The dramatic U-turn came after research by the Daily Mail and the Sun newspapers revealed there were so many illegal immigrants and feckless work-shy scroungers in the UK, that there would not be nearly enough hard-working, striving bankers left in the country to pay for the funeral.
In a short statement, a spokesperson for the coalition government explained the reasons for the decision:
Obviously it would be wrong to expect the funeral to be paid for by society if – as Lady Thatcher herself confirmed – it doesn’t actually exist.
So we’ve asked the many diligent bankers in the UK who selflessly keep the country afloat with their hard work if they would be kind enough to cough up enough money to pay for it. However, it seems they can’t because they’re all tax exiles or something. So we’ll just have to flog her off to the highest bidder, like we do everything else.
There has, however, already been some criticism of the government’s plans to privatise the remains of Lady Thatcher after concerns were expressed by health experts about the possibility of serious contamination if even minute traces of her poisonous legacy were to turn up in Tesco’s and Sainsbury’s value-pack pig-head or pure bull burgers.
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Related articles by Tom Pride:
Witches outraged at being compared to former prime minister Margaret Thatcher
Criticism as MPs mass debate over Lady Thatcher
Parliament to be privatised in Thatcher’s memory
Osborne claims Thatcher “over the worst” and well on way to “full recovery”
Fury as Lady Thatcher is accused of trying to bury bad economic news by dying
Shock as traces of meat discovered in supermarket burgers
Government ministers announce plan to deter immigrants to UK by making it shit
Daily Mail – Outrage As Number Of UK Immigrants On Podiums Hits Record Levels!
FSA – dangerous levels of unprocessed tripe and traces of chicken DNA found in Cameron speech
Diet High In Red Tops Increases Risk of Heart Attacks
Tesco voted UK’s worst pony club by Which magazine
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Jimmy 'Two Sheds' O'Gravy said:
I’d embezzle the money and fly tip her carcass, its what she would have wanted
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guy fawkes said:
Dave’s big society – big state funerals for those who were and still are running society for the ‘Mr Bigs’ of this world. Selling off only the nationalized industries that people needed to function so that the greedy rich could profit from it was the greatest theft of all.
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sylvanmoonscape said:
Brilliant satire, as ever. But really, how can they, in such times of “we’re all in this together” belt-tightening, think we should pay for a lavish one-step-away-from-State partisan funeral for such a divisive person. And of course Labour will sycophantically collude in honouring her. It makes me so sick.
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guy fawkes said:
New Labour are not the Labour party, they stand for Thatcherism not for what old labour stood for, which was fighting for the poorest not the richest.
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gogwit said:
Reblogged this on Gogwit's Blog.
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UFOHUNTERORGUK said:
Reblogged this on Ufohunterorguk.com.
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Mike Usher said:
Love it! A beautiful and well researched article! I wonder though if you could be persuaded to help publicise this petition against the use of public money to glorify her ladyship? I’d be very grateful for any help you could give. http://www.change.org/en-GB/petitions/the-british-government-no-public-money-should-be-spent-on-the-funeral-of-margaret-thatcher
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