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(satire – probably)

In a shocking admission, minute traces of animal meat have been detected in some beefburgers being sold in UK and Irish supermarkets, the Republic of Ireland’s food safety authority (FSAI) has said.

The FSAI said the meat came from two processing plants – one in Ireland, and another in Yorkshire – which are regular suppliers of the animal skin, bones, gristle and fat which normally make up the content of supermarket beefburgers.

The food safety authorities in both the UK and Ireland said there was no risk to human health from eating burgers which contain actual meat – apart from the usual risk of early death from heart disease, stroke and cancer which comes from eating too many crap supermarket meals.

The ‘meat’ burgers were on sale in Tesco and Iceland in the UK and Ireland but the FSAI said the retailers stated that they were removing all their cartilage, entrails, connective tissue and sinew products which may have become tainted with real meat.


In one shocking sample taken in the UK – meat accounted for as much as 29% of the content of a beefburger product being sold in Tesco.

The chief executive of the FSAI said that while the findings posed no risk to public health, they did raise some concerns:

In Ireland as well as the UK, it is not in our culture to eat real meat along with our fat, salt, guts and sugar and therefore, we do not expect to find it in our burgers.

The FSAI – along with retailers – are doing everything we can to ensure that never again is real meat allowed to contaminate our fast food products ever again.


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