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(satire – sort of)

The Food Standards Agency is urgently investigating how excess amounts of artificial sweeteners – including significant traces of fudge – have been allowed to find their way into what was supposed to be the red meat of David Cameron’s speech today on Britain’s relationship with the EU.

The Food Safety Authority reported on Wednesday that results of an analysis they carried out into the speech have revealed it also contained dangerous levels of unprocessed tripe – which they say accounted for as much as 80% of the total red meat content of the speech.

The FSA also expressed concerns about the inaccuracy of some of the labelling of a number of the ingredients contained within the speech – which had been sold to the public as pure British bulldog but was in fact found to contain large traces of cattle, sheep and chicken DNA.

According to an FSA spokesperson, experts from the authority have already been in contact with the prime minister to demand an urgent reclassification of the speech from “usual British beef” to include the warning “could contain significant levels of pig-headedness, pure bull and horseshit“.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

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Never mind a UK referendum on ceding power to Brussels. What about China?

West Mulls Military Strikes Against IKEA

Cameron Lectures Eurozone On How to Ruin Economy

Engelbert Humperdinck to Represent UK at Next EU Summit

Liberal Democrats Threaten To Become Very Cross Over EU Veto

The (Real) Definition Of Standard & Poor’s Credit Ratings…..


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