(satire – possibly)
The coalition government has revealed detailed plans to curb immigration into the UK by making the country so rubbish nobody in their right mind would ever want to come over here to live.
The 5-point plan to cut the number of immigrants includes:
- An end to decent affordable healthcare
- Shit, low-paid jobs for 99% of the population
- The most expensive and unreliable rail system in Europe
- Ridiculously low wages and massively high prices and rents
- Higher taxes on pasties, grannies and bedrooms
A spokesperson for Number 10 explained how the coalition hopes to reduce the standard of living for UK residents to such a low level that even people from countries like Bulgaria and Romania wouldn’t want to come here:
It’s a scandal that under the previous Labour administration we had 13 years of growth, low unemployment and low inflation which only served to encourage people to come here from abroad.
That is why this government is doing its best to cut the number of immigrants wanting to come to the UK by completely destroying economic growth, massively increasing unemployment, hiking the prices of everything to unaffordable levels and basically making Britain completely unbearable for anyone who has to live here.
Independent experts have estimated if the government succeeds in its plans to make Britain as shit as possible, by 2017 the number of people remaining in the UK could be reduced to just a few billionaire tax exiles here on flying visits to inspect their fixed assets, a handful of brave tourists on safari taking photographs of wild bands of untamed royalty roaming the wastelands of inner-city London and a couple of hundred undomesticated MPs living off expenses.
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