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Scientists in the UK have discovered a snake whose poison can cause election of a penis for as long as 5 years in office, as well as causing reddening of the face and severe hardening of the heart for the prime minister most affected.

Other side effects of the poisonous snake – known by scientists as ‘Nick Clegg’ –  also include severe loss of spine as well as regular knee-jerk negative reactions to immigration, the poor and welfare.

Researchers injected the poison using a little-used medical technique known as ‘coalition’ and discovered the side effects could only be prevented by the regular use of highly controversial and potentially damaging extractions of urine from the electorate.

This technique involves pumping large amounts of bullshit and crap into the population via electronic and paper media at high pressure in order to make sure that huge reservoirs of public indifference are shifted to alleviate the side effects.

The discovery comes just weeks after a study showed the average size of a penis in the UK Parliament is 5 foot, 10 inches tall.


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