(satire)
David Cameron said today he fears there is a serious danger that he will be forced to start a “witch-hunt” against gay people if online accusations about paedophiles in the Conservative Party don’t stop.
The prime minister also said he is considering setting up an inquiry to blame the child abuse scandal on drunken Liverpool fans after being unexpectedly handed a list of names of his friends by Philip Schofield on the breakfast programme This Morning, who the ITV1 show’s presenter said were being mentioned online as paedophiles.
Mr Cameron, who did not look at the names, replied with a warning:
There is a danger, if we’re not careful, that this could turn into a sort of witch-hunt – and that’s why I’m extremely worried that it will force me to take the heat off my party colleagues by blaming everything on gays instead. Or maybe scousers because that worked really well the last time we tried it.
Later in the day, Number 10 sought to seize the initiative by issuing its own list of senior Tories who it said could not possibly be paedophiles because they’re not from Liverpool and are not openly gay.
The list of innocent people includes:
- Lord Alistair McAlpine – three times married – Scottish.
- Ken Clarke – married – from Nottinghamshire
- Alan Clark – married, womaniser – from London.
- Michael Portillo – married – from Hertfordshire.
- William Hague – married – from London.
- Liam Fox – married – from Scotland.
A spokesperson for the police who are investigating allegations of a high-level ring of paedophiles involving top Tory politicians issued a statement saying:
We are fully committed to protecting the most vulnerable members of society – such as senior members of the government – from being accused of crimes they might well have committed.
That is why we are doing everything we can to make sure all allegations of child abuse are firmly blamed on scousers or openly homosexual people no matter who they are or how important they may be.
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Related articles by Tom Pride:
High level child abuse cover-up? Why has Theresa May barred a US journalist from the UK?
EXCLUSIVE – Scottish Lord Admits to Chip Abuse During Thatcher Era
Murdoch attacks BBC when his own press abused a dead schoolgirl and her whole family?
MI5 vetted Savile. And decided paedophilia was nothing to worry about?
Scientists discover dim stars orbitting massive black hole at heart of BBC
Top Paedophile Denies Allegations He Was A Tory
BBC Denies It Was Aware Jimmy Savile Was A Northerner
BBC Panorama investigates BBC Newsnight over BBC scandal of BBC cover-up over BBC scandal
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Jayne Linney said:
I can’t help but wonder why Cameron is seemingly so obsessed by Homosexual activities… Hmmm?!
I would imagine this sends the Gay Community Running
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e said:
Smoke and mirrors by politicians….
Just blame Scousers, the perennial scapegoat of politicians.
See how they tried with Hillsborough, and look how stupid they were to do that. TOTAL VINDICATION, and proof of their lies!
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bobchewie said:
Which witch hunt ? will there be a witch hunt against Hunt?
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bobchewie said:
Portillo admitted to a gay liason earlier in his life. Was it on a train . He likes trains.
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JG said:
I think we should demand to be told which MALE MARRIED Government Ministers have NEVER interfered with underage boys and/or girls.
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bobchewie said:
Not interfering with boys abd girls . You mean cutting child benefit??
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Sgt Pepperspray said:
I once had the wheels stolen of my car in Liverpool and as a commited regionalophobe automatically blamed a thieving scouse t**t. After reading this article I am feeling homophobic and worried that it may have been a gay scouser who had my wheels off. It as a Lime Green Ford Capri 1.6 L registration F384 SJX and if you are reading this blog you mincing little mersey tunneler I hope you crashed and died because one of my wheels fell off. Btw I wouldn’t trust Cleggameron with a bargepole and keep up the good work with the blog.
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