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Compassion has resigned from the cabinet claiming it had become a distraction after seven days of hostile headlines over accusations that it had been over-claiming its own worth in government.

The departure of any ability to give a toss is a huge setback for David Cameron, who had attempted to save his career by pretending to give a hoot but has now been forced to accept the long-awaited resignation of compassion from the government.

In its letter of resignation to the Prime Minister, compassion wrote:

It has become clear to me that my presence in the cabinet has become a distraction from the vital work this government is doing to turn our poll ratings around and win us the next election.

Experts say the resignation of compassion is particularly damaging as it comes after a string of other recent high-level resignations from the coalition – including empathy, humanity and competence.

Downing Street said the prime minister was sorry to receive the letter but accepted the resignation and announced the position of compassion in the cabinet would be taken by total indifference and a complete inability to give a shit instead.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

Man Utd fans beg David Cameron to offer his full support to Moyes

Number of women in cabinet now lowest since … the last time Tories were in power

Fiddling MPs who fiddled accusations of fiddling MP’s fiddling also on the fiddle

Cameron takes heart as polls show just 4 people want Maria Miller to go

Tories announce tough new regime of 30-second half-hearted apologies for serious crimes


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