(satire?)

Are you worried you might have accidentally stashed away a massive fortune in an offshore bank account without realising it?

Well worry no more!

Simply take this short quiz and find out:

1) You decide you’d like to become a bit more involved in politics. Do you…

a) Join a local branch of your preferred party and start handing out leaflets?

b) Find an issue you care about deeply and join a campaign group supporting it?

c) Buy a ticket for the next Tory Party fundraising dinner where you pay £235,000 for a seat at a table next to Jeremy Hunt and bid £358,00 for a bronze scale model of George Osborne’s willy during the fundraising auction?

2) You realise you’re getting a bit low on petrol. Do you….

a) turn into the first petrol station you get to and fill up?

b) wait until you find a petrol station with the lowest prices before filling up?

c) invest £200m in non-inventory assets of Russian state-owned oil companies, set the share prices at a fixed rate and place the difference in a Swiss investment bank using the shares as collateral, thereby successfully avoiding capital gains tax on your oil assets and getting yourself a discount when you fill up at the pump?

3) You’re really looking forward to the big match on Saturday. Do you…

a) Buy tickets for you and your son to see the match live, even though it can be a pretty pricey day out these days?

b) Arrange to meet your mates down the pub where you can watch it on the big screen?

c) Create a non-existent shell company and – making sure you’ve registered its earnings in the Cayman Islands – use the assets to buy a controlling stake in the team, thereby reducing your exposure to income tax while at the same time giving yourself free access to the best VIP seats in the ground?

4) You’ve run out of sugar. Do you……?

a) Pop over to the neighbours and ask if you can borrow a cup?

b) Nip out to the corner shop and buy a bag?

c) Take up corporate residency in Mauritius and – using a subsidiary in the name of a Mauritian holding company – invest millions in the island’s commodity markets, thereby benefiting from the absence of capital-gains tax as well as taxes on dividends and interest payments and with the added advantage that with an office just a coconut’s throw from the island’s many sugar-cane fields, you’ll never need to run out of sugar ever again?

5) Your 7-year-old daughter tells you she’d like a bicycle for her next birthday. Do you....?

a) Ask her what colour she’d like and compare prices at Halfords and Argos so you can get her a brand new one?

b) Have a look what’s going on ebay and give her a choice of the best ones you find?

c) Incorporate your daughter as a nominal “corporation” in the US territory of Puerto Rico, channel your savings through her as income thereby ensuring you’re able to offset any expenses incurred as a result of buying a bicycle, while at the same time paying as little as 1% in income tax, and then also claim an interest-free management fee as a capital gain rather than income and use the tax-free fee in the name of your daughter to invest in a matching helmet and stabilisers?

6) You decide to throw a surprise party to celebrate your wedding anniversary. Do you….?

a) Invite a few close friends over to your home for a champagne dinner?

b) Book a table at a restaurant for a larger group of friends and family?

c) Invite Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Andrew, Donald Trump, Bill Clinton and Dominique Strauss-Kahn to join you and your wife for a 10-in-a-bed Caribbean orgy with 12 under-age girls you’ve been keeping prisoner on your private jet while you jet off to have dinner at a villa on your Virgin Islands estate – which thanks to its lowest of the low tax regime, means you will have to pay NO VAT WHATSOEVER on the lobster thermidor, masa toro caviar rolls and the 35-year-old French champagne you’ve ordered for your guests?

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Tot up your score:

Mostly A’s: Relax! You’re definitely NOT a multi-millionaire tax avoider with millions stashed away in Swiss bank accounts, a private luxury yacht moored in an exotic tax haven somewhere and a private jet ready to whisk you away to far-flung places well out of the reach of the taxman. Well done!

Mostly B’s: Be careful! While you seem to have so far successfully avoided being a fabulously wealthy, tax-evading multi-millionaire Tory Party donor, if you don’t watch out, you could well accidentally end up having millions in off-shore accounts that you haven’t paid any taxes on.

Mostly C’s: Oh dear! Sorry to have to tell you this but it looks like you could well be a massively wealthy tax dodger, with offshore accounts in exotic locations, private yachts with bikini clad super-models serving cocktails and luxurious homes in tax havens around the world. But don’t despair. These days, there is lots of help available to help unfortunate multimillionaires like you. Just send a large amount of your money to Mr D. Cameron, c/o Conservative Party HQ, 4 Matthew Parker Street, London SW1H and he’ll make sure you won’t have to pay any tax whatsoever, ever again, just as long as you keep sending him enough money to make sure he wins the next election.

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Please feel free to comment. And share.

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The Coalition Government Colouring and Activity Book is now available for download as a PDF and in print:

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