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(satire?)

Chancellor George Osborne was expected to announce plans for a possible new ‘HS3’ line between his arse and his elbow today.

The Tatton MP was set to outline the proposal to link the two parts of his body for the first time at a speech in Manchester this morning after a new study showed he had problems navigating between the two.

The Chancellor is accompanied on his visit by Prime Minister David Cameron who had an unexpected change of plan after a drinks reception at a local brewery he was supposed to be attending had to be cancelled due to a mix-up by Downing Street.

Mr Osborne’s announcement in Manchester comes not long after police were called to the Chancellor’s official residence in London after reports of suspicious activity.

However, when officers arrived at Number 11 Downing Street, they discovered that although Mr Osborne’s lights had been left on, there was nobody actually at home.

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