(satire)

MPs and activists have launched a drive for a post-Brexit ban on the distribution and import of pure varieties of ‘fact‘ after the UK leaves the EU next year.

Campaigners believe Brexit will be an opportunity to close the door on the problem of the widespread use of what is commonly known on the street as “truth” – now available in quantities so pure that it is set to become illegal to produce in Britain.

A Tory MP at the forefront of the new campaign says he believes there is “a very good chance” of making Britain fact-free once Britain is no longer a member of the EU.

Michael Gove, the environment secretary and Brexiteer, has signalled he is open to halting imports and possession of ‘fact‘ after Brexit, including those sold under the street names of ‘critical thinking‘, ‘free will‘ and ‘naked truth‘.

Leading MPs such as Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg, as well as grassroots activists such as Old Etonians, have joined forces to urge him to do so.

Experts say ‘Fact‘ – also sometimes know as ‘Stats‘ by habitual users – is generally manufactured from the brains of people which have been cruelly enlarged through the brutal force-feeding of education and knowledge. It is high in toxic levels of pure truth.

‘Fact‘ is often taken straight and unadulterated by users through the ears, eyes or other openings to the brain and has the effect of opening the mind to dangerous levels.

The warnings come after the Trump administration in the US has already announced plans to ban street distribution and possession of pure forms of ‘Data‘ and ‘Stats‘, prompting government advisers here to believe there is now a serious risk that Britain could become a “single, regional hub” for the illegal onward trafficking of independent thought.

Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, who argued the case for a ban to a group of MPs and campaigners, said: “Cruelly force-feeding common people massive amounts of education to enlarge their brains is an awful way to treat anyone. There’s a groundswell of opinion among grassroots media barons on this that the government would do well to listen to.”

scores of human brains being cruelly force-fed before knowledge is forcibly extracted

 

A post-Brexit ban on ‘Fact‘ and other forms of critical thinking has been backed by leading academic experts in the field of Brexit such as retired actress Elizabeth Hurley, retired cricketer Ian Botham, retired Hollywood star Joan Collins, retired footballer Sol Campbell and retired rock star Roger Daltrey.