Worried you might be a Trotskyite entryist without knowing it?
Worry no more! Take this quiz and find out:
ARE YOU A TROTSKYIST?
1. Your daughter comes home with bad grades at school. What do you do?
A. Pay for extra-curricular lessons in her weakest subjects.
B. Promise to reward her if her grades improve.
C. Photoshop her image out of every family photograph in your collection.
2. The back garden needs mowing. Do you …
A. Do it yourself.
B. Get one of the kids to do it.
C. Form a family planning committee to put into place a 5 year plan leading to the collectivisation of the labour and a glorious 240% increase in grass cutting output.
3. You are elected onto the Parent Teachers Association at your children’s primary school. What do you do at the first meeting?
A. Make several suggestions about how to improve the workings of the school.
B. Decide to listen to the others before making a contribution.
C. Stand up and make a five-hour-long speech in which you denounce half the attendees as traitors to class struggle.
4. Your boss informs the staff at your office there will be no pay rises this year due to the ongoing economic crisis. How do you react?
A. Reluctantly accept the news. After all everyone has to tighten their belts in times of economic hardship.
B. Take the matter up with your local trade union representative.
C. Urge your fellow workers to form a Workers Self Defence Unit to storm your boss’s home before taking his family hostage and bayoneting them to death.
5. Like many teenagers, your 14-year-old son is going through a bit of a rebellious phase and refusing to do as he’s told. Do you …
A. Punish him by grounding him and taking his mobile phone off him for a week?
B. Try to resolve the conflict by encouraging him to talk to you about his feelings?
C. Lock him up in a psychiatric ward until he sees the error of his degenerate bourgeois ways?
6. What is the best way to reduce the scourge of violent crime in society?
A. Give the police more powers of search and arrest.
B. Increase funding for youth training schemes, take measures to decrease youth unemployment and invest in inner city sports facilities.
C. Ban ice picks.
7. You’re really unhappy with growing inequality in the country and hardship for the poorest while the wealthiest people enrich themselves further at taxpayers’ expense. Do you …
A. Sign petitions and write a letter to your MP?
B. Try to be more involved in politics by joining a political party?
C. Write a 58-page treatise on the urgent need to create a vanguard party of the proletariat, destroy bourgeois capitalist imperialism and create a dictatorship of the workers based on working class self-emancipation and mass democracy?
8. You decide to take a well-earned holiday. What do you do?
A. Book a quiet week in a boarding house at the English seaside.
B. Go on a package holiday somewhere warm like Greece or Italy.
C. Take a trip to Mexico and shack up at the home of a famous Mexican artist, repaying his hospitality by shagging his wife.
You are in no way a Trotskyist. You need to drink more vodka, and get yourself a copy of The Ragged-Trousered Philanthropists. Wake up!
You’re halfway there, but you could still do better. You need to think more about how a revolutionary transformation of society, ending the existing capitalist system of exploitation, making the means of production, distribution and exchange socially owned and replacing it with a dictatorship of the proletariat would make your life SO much better.
Well done! You’re as Trotskyist as the product of a vodka-fuelled act of copulation between Che Guevara and Rosa Luxemburg. You were probably born on May 1st near Red Square which means you just KNOW the overthrow of the capitalist class in a glorious proletarian-democratic revolution is just months, if not weeks away. So pour yourself a shot of vodka, put on a DVD of The Red Army Choir and a fur hat, and celebrate by doing a Cossack* dance while singing the Internationale in celebration of Glorious Soviet Mother Russia. Na Zdorovie!
*Yes – I know Cossacks weren’t Communists. That’s stereotypes for you.