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(satire?)

The Conservative Party has denied accusations it is getting desperate to win votes after the Prime Minister David Cameron made an ‘absolute commitment’ that all men will have larger penises and most women will have considerably smaller bottoms if the Tories win the general election.

Writing in the Guardian, the chancellor claims the Conservatives will pledge in their general election manifesto, to be launched next week, that they will increase the average length of men’s penises in England and Wales by as much as half an inch, as well as reduce the average size of women’s buttocks by a minimum of at least 1 inch a year until the end of the decade.

The move comes just days after widespread scepticism at the Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg’s pledge that he will publicly nail his scrotum to the floor with a rusty nail in remorse for his actions over the last 5 years if people would just not turf him out at the election, please.

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