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(satire?)

Scientists are warning that Britain’s most complete solar eclipse in 16 years is likely to block out as much as 95% of sunlight across parts of the UK and Europe if Ed Miliband is elected prime minister in the upcoming general election.

Researchers from the Nautical Almanac Office say if Labour win the election, the moon will pass in front of the sun, casting a large shadow over the Earth, and plunging the country into DARKNESS.

Energy experts are also warning of possible blackouts, due to energy supplies being affected by an increasing reliance on solar power, if Ed Balls becomes chancellor.

And in worrying news for Scottish voters, astronomers are warning that in many parts of Scotland as much an 95 percent of the sun will be covered by the moon if the SNP win an expected landslide, while in London and the UK’s South East, 85 percent of the sun will be obscured if Labour do well.

Those planning to watch the general election should not look directly at the facts with the naked eye – as doing so can dangerously affect awareness and even cause serious insight – but should only view it using specifically designed media filters, which feature a thin layer of aluminium, chromium or silver coated bullshit on their surfaces to filter out the truth.

The warnings come just days after scientists warned the record-breaking amounts of hot air, wind and gas emissions emanating from Liberal Democrat MPs in the run-up to the election to try to justify being in coalition with the Conservatives, are likely to lead to a significant increase in the rate of global warming.

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