(satire?)

The Daily Telegraph Guide on How to Dig Yourself into a Deep Hole (with thanks to wikihow)

This article covers the technique of digging yourself into general holes as well as the special case of deep narrow holes, such as the Telegraph is now finding itself in.

There are many ways and many reasons for a newspaper to dig a hole for itself; revenge, immaturity, capriciousness, or just downright arrogance by its owners. However, even including deep narrow holes, the methods are the same for any newspaper, requiring the use of a shovel, an axe, a lot of dirt, spin and lies.

But please be warned. Once you dig your hole, you will have to shovel away the dirt that was scooped up by your work.

Method: How to dig a generic hole

1. Determine the outline of your hole:

hole1

2. If you find yourself having to dig through hard facts, stomp your shovel blade all around the outside of the story, making sure you avoid the truth at all times:

hole 2

3. Scoop under the fibrous facts, and put them somewhere where nobody can find them. Pitchforks also work particularly well here if you need to be a prick:

Dig a Hole Step 4 Version 2.jpg

4. Continue digging yourself into your hole until you’re completely unable to get out of it. If the truth is still too hard to dig, you can loosen it by shoving your middle finger vertically at everyone in desperation after which you will find nobody will ever believe anything you ever report in your newspaper ever again.

Dig a Hole Step 5 Version 2.jpg

5. Cover up as much of the dirt as you can and, when you are done, you will find you have buried yourself so deep you’ll be able to watch your reputation disappear forever from the bottom of the deep hole you’ve managed to dig yourself into:

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The Coalition Government Colouring and Activity Book is now available for download as a PDF and in print:

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