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(satire?)

8) There’s no bigger turn off to a woman than a man carelessly trying to shove as many of his Old Etonian friends into a cabinet as possible. For most women, one Old-Etonian at a time is enough, maybe two at a push. A good rule of thumb is – if you have more Old Etonians than women in your cabinet at any one time – it’s too many!

7) If you want a woman to feel good, try really really really hard not to suddenly and unexpectedly completely strip her – without warning – of all her unemployment benefits just because she gets pregnant. It might get you all hot under the collar – but for most women, it’s a real turn-off!

6) Don’t try to patronise women with with a quick reshuffle involving a few token positions. Women don’t want to feel like you’re just going through the motions to keep them happy. Treat women with equal respect as equal human beings and they’ll be happy to have a go at any position in the cabinet – even the Whips!

5) Try not to inadvertently take a photograph of your willy on your mobile phone and accidentally send it to a woman, especially if you’re a balding, married, middle-aged Tory MP who bears absolutely no resemblance to Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp whatsoever. Most women will find it a turn off –  no matter how impressively big you think your majority is.

4) Try not to always consistently come before a woman. Seeing a man come first every time when you’re supposed to be equal partners – especially when it comes to equal pay – is definitely NOT a turn on. Aim for simultaneous timing of your money shot to the mutual satisfaction of both partners!

3) Listen up guys! Most women do NOT appreciate you sticking your fat ugly scruples in their faces all the time. Put your grotesque ideology back in your pants and try a gentler approach – listening to what they want and what they need and responding in a more practical, helpful way instead of charging in like a bull in a china shop with your massively distorted unsightly principles proudly on display.

2) Tying a woman’s hands behind her back, making her struggle and putting her over a barrel does not turn most women on. If you really must act out your sadistic fantasies – try to make sure you first have permission and that you’re inflicting your painful cuts on people who are the most able to bear the pain.

1) Make sure you’re not accidentally rubbing women up the wrong way by forgetting not to be a sexist pri*ck.

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The Coalition Government Colouring and Activity Book is now available for download as a PDF and in print:

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