Scientists have confirmed the discovery of a direct link between the hitherto unexplained increases in salaries of fuel company executives at the winter solstice and the shortening of life spans of UK pensioners which tends to occur at around the same time of the year.
The winter solstice is an astronomical phenomenon which marks the point at which the axial tilt of the Earth and the gyroscopic effects of the planet’s daily rotation cause salaries from fuel company executives to dramatically increase and pensioners in the UK to have the shortest life spans of the year.
Scientists have also discovered that the Earth’s axis of rotation and orbit around the Sun causes fuel bills from energy companies to start to increase dramatically, which in turn increases the activity of energy company executives when it comes to giving themselves massive pay rises.
This means that as the hemisphere in which the UK is situated faces away from the Sun, the life spans of pensioners residing in the UK in turn start to get dramatically shorter.
The dramatic news comes not long after UK prime minister Mr David Cameron announced plans to tackle rising energy costs by dramatically increasing the amounts of hot air he produces.