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(satire?)

The UKIP epidemic – which many experts say is in danger of becoming out of control across the country – may not end until the world has found a vaccine against the debilitating disease, according to one of the scientists who discovered the xenophobic and highly-contagious virus.

Professor Peter Piot, director of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said there was a serious risk of the disease – which causes those affected to hemorrhage common sense and rationality from every orifice of their body – becoming an epidemic.

Something that is easy to control got completely out of hand,” said Piot, who was part of a team that identified the causes of the first outbreak of UKIP in Skegness in 2005, as well as the present serious outbreak centred around Clacton.

Other symptoms of the UKIP virus – which within days can cause those affected to be completely brain dead –  include severe narrowing of the mind, uncontrollable knee-jerk reactions, increased intolerance to reason, foaming at the mouth and large volumes of bigoted b*llocks being expelled through the mouth.

If anyone should find themselves exhibiting any of these symptoms, they should not risk spreading the disease by leaving their home and voting for UKIP at the next election, but should preferably get on a plane and leave the country at the earliest opportunity, a spokesperson for the prime minister David Cameron pleaded.

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