Unashamedly inspired (well alright then, nicked) from a really old Viz article that’s so old hopefully they won’t notice I’ve ripped it off.
10 Things You Never Knew About the Breeding Habits and Mating Rituals of Lib Dems!
Election time’s here again, and so are the annoying swarms of Lib Dem activists. Whether you’re walking in Wakefield Westgate, picnicking in Pontefract Park or hitch hiking in High Heaton, just pick up a rock and there they are – hundreds of little Lib Dem creepy crawlies, ranging from big to small, fat to thin, breeding and leafleting prospective voters like mad. But why exactly are there so many Lib Dem canvassers about when nobody seems to vote for them? How do they breed and where do they do it? And how much do you really know about the mating habits of these miniature marvels of Mother Nature. Here’s ten creepy crawly things you never knew about the sex lives of Lib Dems . . .
- You’ll never stop a Lib Dem activist from canvassing you by holding its head under water – no matter how hard you try. That’s because Lib Dems breath and talk through special lungs – called trachea – which are in their arse.
- Don’t bother trying to out-maneuver annoying Lib Dems either. They can do U-turns faster than any other living creature on the planet. Best just attempt to discourage the irritating pest from bothering you by using a rolled-up copy of its manifesto. And sticking it up its trachea.
- Some types of Lib Dems breed in the most unusual places. For example some people are surprised to hear that some Lib Dems still reside in Scotland, although they are becoming increasingly rare north of the border. There are also a few European MEP Lib Dem parasites left but these are now almost all extinct.
- And there’s also Nick Clegg, who likes to live up Tory Prime Ministers’ arses.
- Lib Dems like to make a LOT of noise when they breed and the noisiest Lib Dem of all is known as the Orange Cock Roach of Sheffield Hallam which claims to be able to mate with up to 30 partners in its lifetime. Mating Lib Dem pairs make a noise often compared to a washing machine in its ‘spin’ cycle. An endangered species, the few remaining breeding pairs of Lib Dems are protected by strict conservation laws. Residents living near breeding grounds in Lib Dem controlled areas of the country can claim local authority grants enabling their homes to be fitted with secondary double glazing to dampen out the noise coming from dogging pairs of Lib Dem activists.
- During the eighties it was all the rage to name pop and rock singers after Lib Dems, the best example of course being ‘Nick Cave’ . . . The only other one we can think of is ‘Chris De Burgh’ – who was named after the infamous Lib Dem gangland criminal mafia boss Chris Huhne.
- Getting back to more everyday Lib Dems, you can visit a Lib Dem flea circus, where you can expect to see Lib Dem fleas, tied up with fuse wire, perform a variety of spectacular and exciting tricks trying to explain why they sold themselves and their principles out to the Tories for a few paltry seats around the cabinet table. This is known as the Lib Dem Annual Party Conference.
- A lot of Lib Dems attempt to breed inappropriately with unsuitable partners such as children. Or women who are not in the least bit interested in shagging them. Especially big fat ugly ones called Rennard or Cyril.
- Some parasitic forms of Lib Dems are unable to live independent lives. Instead, they live on the back of ‘hosts’ – known as the British taxpayer – upon whom they rely entirely for their survival. Parasitic pests of this kind are most often seen residing in the House of Commons and particularly in the House of Lords.
- These parasitic species of Lib Dems can also sting you repeatedly. Every f*cking time you vote for them to be precise.
You can see the original 1991 Viz article here:
20 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT INSECTS!
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