Tags
(satire?)
One of the common hazards of being an MP today is the possibility that sometimes you may find yourself inadvertently taking a photograph of your willy and accidentally sending it to a journalist posing as a Swedish model.
But now help is at hand.
Thanks to Pride’s Purge, if you are an MP you can learn to avoid this everyday problem just by following our 6 simple steps:
1) Always keep photographic equipment such as mobile telephones and cameras well away from the vicinity of your willy, especially when it is exposed.
2) Double check photographic equipment is switched off – and preferably unplugged – when getting your todger out.
3) Always make sure your willy is well covered up and protected – ideally kept safely tucked away inside your underpants – when using photographic equipment.
4) NEVER be tempted to point photographic equipment in the direction of your willy – even if you think the device is switched off.
5) If your willy should ever become accidentally photographed, remember to KEEP YOUR FINGERS WELL AWAY from social media when handling photographs of it.
6) And finally, always remember the golden rule. If someone who looks like a Swedish model asks you to send her a picture of your willy – and you are a balding, married, middle-aged Tory MP who bears absolutely no resemblance to Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp whatsoever – NEVER EVER BE TEMPTED TO DO IT, no matter how impressively big you think your majority is.
Just follow these 6 top tips and you should never find yourself unintentionally photographing your willy and having to resign.
We hope this helps.
.
Are you an MP? Have you ever accidentally photographed your willy and sent it to a Swedish model by mistake? Drop us a line! We’d love to hear from you.
Please feel free to comment. And share. Thanks:
guy fawkes said:
Mrs T loved the photo’s of her ‘willy’!
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R Wood said:
But what if your local MP is a ‘complete dickhead’? That’s a little more difficult to disguise.
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Peter Reynolds said:
What about if you are provoked, encouraged, tricked and conned by the criminal act of a malevolent, financially motivated scumbag posing as journalist?
http://peterreynolds.wordpress.com/2014/09/29/its-time-to-stand-up-to-the-gangsters-from-the-fleet-street-mafia/
[Oh then I would definitely send a picture of my cock to them. Or my arse.] – TOM
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markelt said:
Then the same rules apply. Do we really need to give Mps a list of instructions:
1. Don’t send pictures of your cock over the Internet to people you’ve never met.
2. Don’t steal
3. Don’t sexually abuse interns
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Peter Reynolds said:
That’s an excellent idea Tom.
I’m not sure what markelt’s points 2) and 3) have to do with this story. Seems like typical OTT hysteria of the prurient and judgmental classes.
Newmark was clearly foolish but that is no reason to excuse the criminal conduct of the so-called journalists. He’s caused himself massive problems at home and in his career which, as one human being to another, I hope he manages to fix.
The scum responsible for the scam should be going to jail, particularly the editor concerned.
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andy said:
If he was prepared to betray his wife and family in the hope of getting some illicit action,can we trust this zionist/’friend of israel not to betray the country?
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guy fawkes said:
which country? If he would betray his family, i guess he would betray any country, but all’s fair in love and war isn’t it?
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andy said:
‘which country’? err this country,the country he is a MOP of.
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tunefultony said:
…You should put a large brown paper bag over your foolish embarrassing head then…
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tunefultony said:
Very Good sharp point, andy……I think we should be particularly wary of all Jewish MP’s because Jews more than the Gentiles seem particulary prey to the inner failings of deception, vanity, flattery of their ego, greed, and pathological HUBRIS, which makes them think they are infallible or are God’s Gift to the female species….
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Mike Barnes said:
A sorry tail, by all accounts.
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GringoPeruano said:
I’m not bothered that he sent a pic of his dick. Cheap thrill – if that was all.. but..
I am bothered by the fact that he was using the Party Conference event for a clandestine meetup rather than networking with colleagues in any spare time. Priorities?
“Afternoons fairly full with speaking engagements but around late evenings. Promise we’ll meet up though. X.”
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/tory-minister-brooks-newmark-quits-4335398
From the reported exchange of msg I can’t but help being impressed by a man who seems to be quite conversant in “pulling”! (done it B4?).
I wonder what else goes down (up) at political conferences? 🙂
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guy fawkes said:
Andy I was referring to his friendship with another country which he could renage on and betray also.
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Rhona Sweeting said:
While I agree with your point in principle (honeytraps are morally questionable, at best), really JUST HOW F*CKING STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE to send an explicit photo of yourself to a stranger? Have these people never heard of the internet?
I’m less worried about their morals and more about their relative intelligence and grasp of modern communications methods.
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penniewoodfall said:
Yes! Hhhhmmmm.
I have been chosen in the past by the chosen people…….they got a right hook from me!
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andy said:
obviously shagging wife isnt on the agenda! mind you,looking at apic of her,I am not surprised
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GringoPeruano said:
Actually – I had originally agreed with your point Peter – then I realized that the Whips probably had already got this (or other event?) logged in their little black book (with thanks to GCHQ) and are furious that the news broke and they lost a bargaining chip for the future.
See http://markreckless.com/2014/07/12/my-letter-to-pm-on-whips-and-child-abuse-inquiry/
So, I guess in today’s electronic world – better let it ALL hang out – none of us have any privacy anymore!
We might all get on better knowing everyone’s little secrets.. that is what we want isn’t?
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penniewoodfall said:
That’s not nice! 😦
‘ow do you know wot she’s loike in bed?
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andy said:
lol-with a face like that,I for one wouldnt want to even go to bed with her. A paperbag job if ever isaw one!
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penniewoodfall said:
Never judge a book by it’s cover! In the meantime…a photo?
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andy said:
I’d bet money she isnt hot in bed.Take a good look at her! As a woman,you possibly couldnt make this assessment!
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penniewoodfall said:
No!
Not unless it is unusually large!
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andy said:
Not that that in any way justifies his behaviour,which was appalliing
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penniewoodfall said:
AS A WOMAN I CLD NOT MAKE THIS ASSESMENT?
EERRR… WHY NOT?
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penniewoodfall said:
I am in frantic search of ‘said’ woman!
I am not sure if I wld describe his behaviour as appalling though…
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andy said:
if he is happy to betray his wife and family,i would wonder if he would also betray the british people.In fact,i dont ‘wonder’ at all! check out his current dealings abroad.
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andy said:
and all the other 7 MPs who were subject to this photographic ‘game’,rwsponded maturely and professionally.they werent tempted to get involved with sexting.
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penniewoodfall said:
Tom Pride
You really must….must….must obliterate this odious word from the English language.
You know which one ’cause you have used it before like many others.
Shagging…..? wtf does it mean? shag pile? shag carpet? I mean, I mean!
IT IS UNACCEPTABLE SIR!
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penniewoodfall said:
Link please andy….for his current dealings abroad!
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penniewoodfall said:
You see the problem is andy…expectations………innit?
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Blah, blah said:
Why should ‘they’ go to jail, they didn’t hold a gun to his head and force him to get his knob out…He got his knob out because he wanted to; he should have thought about the consequences with regards to his ‘family’ above all else!! Tuff fucking luck, to the ugly, desperate, tory bastard!
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andy said:
http://www.ukcolumn.org/
forward to about 6 minutes,Pennie.
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andy said:
http://www.ukcolumn.org/
forward to about 6 mins
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The Infamous Culex said:
andy wrote: “With a face like that, I for one wouldn’t want to even go to bed with her. A paper bag job if ever I saw one!”
Only one bag?
1) A paper bag over her head, and
2) Another paper bag over your head. in case her bag splits open.
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Blah, blah said:
Brooks Newmark is well and truly SHAGGED!
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The Infamous Culex said:
Penny, how do you feel about “fucking”?
(grin, duck and run for cover!)
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penniewoodfall said:
Well andy
thank you for the link…..oi need educatin..
Howeva,whats his wife got to do with his behaviour?
I must admit I find yr remark puerile…paper bags an all.
Are you from up norf?
I met a few loike you in oz…..
Not a pleasant experience.
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penniewoodfall said:
Fucking is fine! cunt!
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penniewoodfall said:
Shagged is fine! ’cause it means you are tired!
SHAG IS NOT!
OR SHAGGING!
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penniewoodfall said:
Oh, by the by Tom…me Dad brought me up on Henry Miller.
WOT IS A GIRL TO DO?
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penniewoodfall said:
Tropics to you 🙂
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penniewoodfall said:
The word shag..
Where does it come from?
No one is sure. It pops up at the end of the 18th century. The best guess seems to be (according to the OED) that it is related to the old use of shag as meaning ‘to toss about’ or to shake and waggle, which probably came from either the word shake or the Middle English shogge, which meant to move back and forth.
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andy said:
my point,pennie,about his wife,is that hw wouldnt be looking around for some extra marital action if he was happy with her. As for assessing ,obviously the opposite sex is the one best to that,not the same sex.
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penniewoodfall said:
what a fu……loads of bollocks!
So,when do the paper bags come into this?
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penniewoodfall said:
andy,you must be on ‘happy pills’
Do you take them at night and/or morning?
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Bloggersaurusrex said:
Reblogged this on Bloggersaurausrex and commented:
Points to ponder!
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tunefultony said:
“Tropic of Cancer” by Henry Miller is a sordid & salacious book and should not be perused by any decent person with any claims to having honest sensibilities… As for the word ‘screw’, please look under hardware/ironmongery shops… As for the word ‘nookie’, well I think it comes from the idiomatic Olde English phrasebook term ‘nook and cranny’, which, as the Cockney wide-boys know, just happens to rhyme with….. your own granny… 🙂
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erniedunn said:
What a willy!
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erniedunn said:
I think you’ll find that ‘Shagged’ comes from the same origin as shag and shagging ie; if you do it alot in quick succession, you’ll be well and truly ‘Shagged!’
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erniedunn said:
Well, I like it…;-)
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Ian S. said:
Criminal act? Which actual law was broken? I’m not aware of any.
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penniewoodfall said:
Aahh, you have made me smile.
You’ve won me, you won me my lord!
( that’s a song 🙂 )
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Peter Reynolds said:
Two criminal barristers have now published their opinions that this amounted to an offence under the Sexual Offences Act 2003 in that Newmark was caused to engage in sexual activity without consent. The only consent he gave was in response to a 22 year old woman’s request for a photograph. He did not consent to providing a photograph to a male journalist.
The maximum penalty is 10 years in jail.
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penniewoodfall said:
You like it do you ernie?
When you can get it! 🙂
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Bollards said:
This you?
http://peter-reynolds-watch.com/
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tunefultony said:
Yeah, right on… that means that you pennie must be Lady Midnight then…???
Who does that make me then, Lord Bolsover?? — At the risk of displeasing your fine sensibilities, I have to say that the Canadian songwriter Leonard Cohen was never much to my taste: too Jewish, too enigmatic, too lugubrious, and too plaintive altogether………. Give me rather Sam and Dave… or Chas and Dave…. or just Dave on his own…. or a massed choir of Red Squirrels, any day….. 🙂
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penniewoodfall said:
Too enigmatic?
You Sir, swim in shallow waters….enigmatic interests me….I do not wish to be handed everything on a plate….that is for lazy people.
One listens to Cohen sparingly. He was bloody brilliant in Greece at midnight amongst the ruins and so was his Greek musician . Awhile ago now.
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penniewoodfall said:
And Lord Bolsover…………Who stole his earnings?that is…. Cohen’s jewish fortune…………a woman! And he is still on the road catching up with the shekels….(thank goodness)However ,with a lotta Zen thrown in I still fancy him! 🙂
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Lukraakvars said:
Yikes!! I am thankful I do not have a willy. I think I would maybe have accidentally photographed it a few times based on the instructions. (also, I am being sarcastic, cos why would one EVER take a photo of that?)
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markelt said:
So I’m a member of the prurient and judgemental classes? Any other casual, undefined demographics you’d throw me in? Just so I know.
I’d say the same thing to my best friend if he’d been sending pictures of his old chap to an unknown and attractive 20-something woman who’d contacted him out of the blue. But I’d hope he wouldn’t need to be told.
The other two in my list are related points that we have been told MPs need detailed rules for recently. They only need one rule and it’s the same as for the rest of us – “don’t be a twat.”
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markelt said:
Bollards
If it is, then this particular post might help to explain the context in which Peter is commenting on this story. http://peter-reynolds-watch.com/2014/05/perving-around-world/
If it’s not him, then it won’t.
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