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(satire?)

David Cameron has declared U2’s new album “Songs of Innocence” will be made available to every Scottish citizen for free download after Scotland voted by a 10.6-point margin against ending the 307-year-old union with England and Wales.

The prime minister also promised a devolution musical revolution, including automatic free downloads of Gary Barlow songs and assorted Cliff Richard medleys on every mobile phone in Scotland as he hailed Scottish voters’ decision to remain inside the UK.

There can be no disputes – we have heard the settled will of the Scottish people, and we are responding at once by ensuring Scotland will be able to get exclusive access to Bob Geldof’s next album, either as a digital download or on DVD,” Cameron pledged in a statement outside No 10 Downing Street shortly after 7am on Friday.

Sterling jumped and the FTSE 100 opened 44 points higher, reaching a new two-year high against the euro in Asian trading hours, after Susan Boyle revealed she would also be releasing a new single in celebration of the no vote.

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