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(satire?)

Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin has confirmed the government is to scrap the building of the high-speed rail link between London and cities in the north of England after businessmen and women living in the capital agreed to arrange their meetings in the north 20 minutes later.

The surprise announcement to scrap the £80 billion scheme – which was meant to improve economic ties between the north and south of England by cutting travel times by 20 minutes – comes after business leaders confirmed they would be willing to set their alarm clocks 20 minutes earlier or delay the start of their meetings by 20 minutes.

A spokesperson for Downing Street said the £80 billion of taxpayers’ money saved by the scrapping of the project would now be spent on providing assistance to investment bankers who are struggling after seeing their bonuses hit hard by the recession.

In an unrelated move, the government has also announced the simplification of the process where Tory Party donors are given peerages, by putting seats in the House of Lords up for sale to the highest bidder on E-Bay.

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