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(satire?)
The Syria crisis: the top 10 best and worst dressed fighters:
These tight-fitting, three quarter length pocketless trousers combined with a black short-sleeved shirt edged with understated stripes in white and red should be a hit. But combined with a blue and white long-peaked baseball cap and chunky sleeveless over-vest, it all adds up to a disappointing miss.
The crisp white smoothness of the cotton turtle neck contrasts nicely with the masculine copper tones of the bullet belt. A look that’s normally difficult to carry off and in our opinion this is a miss.
Don’t be fooled by the apparent casualness on display here. The homeliness of the woollen sweater combined with the closely woven heavy raw cotton scarf tied casually around the head sets off the carefully cropped beard very nicely. It takes a lot of time, effort and thought to create a casual look like this. A hit!
Minimalism is usually a winner in our opinion but Abu’s monochrome combination of grey long-sleeved collarless shirt and black head scarf contrasted with the full blackness of his beard is striking but ultimately lacks overall cohesion. We suggest a blood red brooch or a necklace in deepest sea green with matching watch strap would add that “je ne sais quoi” to the overall look. Sorry Abu – a near hit but ultimately a miss this time.
Beautifully tailored calico cream baggy trousers combined with layers of blue, white and pink look sensational. It takes real talent to create a look like this. A definite hit!
This ISIS Boutique jihadee wows in an elegant brown suede finger-length jacket matched with sharply tailored figure hugging Capris trousers and a cap-sleeve T shirt with a cut-out back detail. He has accented his look with a classic pink checked Arafat scarf from the designer’s exclusive Blind Faith Collection. A hit.
Keeping it sleek and modern in a Ralph Lauren caped cotton hooded gown, delicately embroidered with floral-themed decorative lettering and matching flowing Pallazo trousers, never before has blood-letting looked so good. A hit!
This fighter took a risk in Dior Haute Couture — his elegant white silky smooth gloves with matching cigarette pants oozes cool, effortless chic. He has completed the classic fanatical look with timeless UZI accessories, perfectly paired with a personalised Gucci silk chiffon emerald-green hair band, decorated with finely-embroidered stark, white lettering. A definite hit!
9)
Not to be outdone by the men, this female jihadist has gone for classic Hollywood glamour in a strapless Givenchy face scarf with monochromatic detailing. Although she has accented the look with a classy grey and black Bulgari silk-print headband and wrap-around Prada sun glasses the overall look says wannabe rather than gonnabe. A miss!
10)
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Classic Italian styling never goes out of fashion and even in the middle of a war zone, consummate understated Italian tailoring can make the modern terrorist look cool, stylish and sophisticated in the heat of even the hottest battle. Dolce and Gabbana, Armani and Bellini will never go out of fashion as one look at this hunk – who is wearing a Gianni Versace 2-piece navy lounge suit with pocket piping combined with sexy black silk jockey shorts – will blow away any doubts. Along with stunning shoulder-slung accessories like this rocket launcher – it can’t help but be a big hit!
NEXT WEEK: Iraqi insurgency – the best swimwear
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With apologies to the following photographic sources:
1) http://resources0.news.com.au/images/2012/08/23/1226456/930400-120824-free-syria-army.jpg
3) http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1555087/thumbs/o-NUSRA-SYRIA-facebook.jpg
4) http://documents.sy/uploaded_files/images/524472bb69257.jpg
5) http://nimg.sulekha.com/others/original700/somalia-islamic-fighter-2009-2-28-3-7-8.jpg
6) http://www.somaliareport.com/post_photos/shabab_fighter_in_Bondhere_district_Mogadishu.jpg
7) http://www.asianews.it/files/img/SYRIA_-_Islamic_fighters.jpg
8) http://alwaysproventrue.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/islamic-fighter-with-headband.jpg
9) http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/07/26/syria-female-fighters_n_3658205.html
10) http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/infocus/syria081412/s01_15042450.jpg
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Please feel free to comment.
penniewoodfall said:
VERY GOOD TOM PRIDE!
YOU HAVE EXCELLED YOURSELF!
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Jonathan Wilson said:
You’ve obviously been taking lessons from the daily wails school of journaliSSm.
LikeLiked by 1 person
FinkFurst said:
I couldn’t agree more. The best way to deal with religious nutters is to take the piss!
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lawrencesroberts said:
Thanks for the levity. It is much needed.
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John Ward said:
A truly outstanding piece. The Lands End catalogue needs writing like this. Jihadist chique is the hardest word in fashion: it is the New Brutalism.
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Thomas Field said:
NO. 2 is a miss in my opinion.
[Actually, you might be right about that. In fact, you’ve prompted me to change my mind about it. It’s now officially a miss.
War is a serious business. Got to get these things right.] – TOM
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Blah, blah said:
Number 3 is over doing it a bit, he ought to have placed his left hand on the rifle, not gone for the ‘I have a head-ache’ look….
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penniewoodfall said:
That’s three times now Tom! (tweeted)
I’ve always said…. Push the boat out! 🙂
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penniewoodfall said:
Forgot to mention.
I get into a lot of trouble! 😦
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AL said:
I’m tempted to say you are bonkers, but you’re not are you? Image is of course everything, whether it’s on the red carpet or if you’re just planning on blowing someones brains out to get the upper hand. It’s still all an act. Look at me I’m scary and powerful!! (Writing this in my slippers and PJ’s but don’t tell anyone) Power, money, greed all looks good when it’s taken the time to dress up nice.
I do like a fella who can tickle my brain cells while making me laugh. Keep at it!
[No, I’m not bonkers. All makes perfect sense to me.] – TOM
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penniewoodfall said:
Might I enquire…….
Which ones would they be?
Not that menace Ward?
🙂
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FinkFurst said:
Tom – Spot on!!!!! Interesting that all my favourites of your blogposts also seem to go straight over the heads of most of your readers. It’s not about controversy, it’s about stupidity and insularity. So PLEASE don’t cater for that (majority) section of your readership.
… and if you’re getting into trouble then you’re probably doing something right!
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FinkFurst said:
No you’re totally wrong – No. 2 is a HIT! It’s not just the white roll-neck, it’s the beautifully tailored and tight-fitting camouflage suit, and the clean shaven neo-Taliban look. I bet he couldn’t manage even 5 minutes of fighting before running to the nearest launderette and barber. Perfect for the modern fashion-conscious jihadist!
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FinkFurst said:
Look out for the new range of pastel coloured AK47s and RPGs. Coming to an arms dealer near you soon!
Gold plated guns are now just SO passé and outdated ‘Saddam Hussein’ style. Nobody would be seen dead with them any more……
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syzygysue said:
This blogpost is going to be one of my favourites – hard-hitting on so many levels. Bit genius really 🙂
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FinkFurst said:
Tom – You could cater for your existing mindless readership by just writing mindless anti-Tory, pro-nothing drivel like so many other blogs and (I have to say) some things you’ve written. I hope you don’t!
OR… you could carry on writing really good stuff like this, and hope to attract readers who care about something more significant and challenging than moronically criticising politics which they don’t even understand, and moaning that their lives are so hard.
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