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(not satire – I think!)

 Dear Labour,

Your recent party political broadcast was one of the worst I’ve ever seen. Admittedly I can’t say it’s actually the very worst I’ve seen –  because that distinction goes to the English Democrats whose PPB was so, so very crap I had to check it was for real and not a parody.

Of course, I’m sure the English Democrats don’t have millions to spend on their PPBs – unlike you. And I’m sure the English Democrats don’t have teams of PR experts and media goons and internationally famous spin doctors – unlike you.

But despite all those things – you still managed to produce a crap PPB of epic proportions.

It was amateurish, cringeworthy, negative, pointless and aimed at the wrong target.

Luckily for you, I’m prepared to offer my own expert advice on what your PPB should look like. Happily, it’s so simple it could be made in someone’s bedroom at virtually no cost and – although admittedly you’ll have to dish out quite a bit of money to me for the idea – I’m sure it’ll still work out much less than you’re paying now.

So here you go:

(Black screen)

(The following words in stark white lettering appear along with a voice over:)

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government are privatising the NHS

(Bold lettering)

Labour will keep hospitals in public hands.

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government have given tax cuts to the richest

(Bold lettering)

Labour will reverse them.

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government are selling off school playing fields

(Bold lettering)

Labour will put a stop to it.

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government have tripled tuition fees

(Bold lettering)

Labour will halve them.

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government have allowed energy prices to rise

(Bold lettering)

Labour will freeze them.

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government have allowed living costs to rise drastically

(Bold lettering)

Labour will introduce a living wage.

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government are allowing private rail companies to rip off passengers with sky-high ticket prices

(Bold lettering)

Labour will bring rail companies back into public hands.

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government have increased government borrowing

(Bold lettering)

Labour will reduce it.

The Conservative and Liberal Democratic government have divided Britain

(Bold lettering)

Labour will bring Britain together again.

(please insert any other relevant policies here)

Vote Labour etc etc

 

As you can see it’s quite a radical departure for a PPB. It actually mentions policies.

Please make out the cheque for the consultancy fee to Thomas Pride.

Thank you.

Yours faithfully,

Tom Pride

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Please feel free to comment.

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