(satire?)
According to the official crime survey, the Office for National Statistics has said crime in England and Wales fell sharply last year after police confirmed 99% of the population have hardly anything left worth stealing.
Police figures recorded an 8% drop and a 5% reduction in crime due to government austerity policies which have left most homes not worth breaking into and most people so poor muggers can’t be bothered to rob them.
A spokesperson for the Home Office hailed the success of government policies which have left most people so hard up they would willingly join any burglars in a detailed search of their property for something valuable to take:
“We are very happy to see this big fall in crime which is a direct result of our policies of selling off anything of value in the country to private investors abroad and stashing as much of the nation’s cash safely away from everyone in off-shore tax havens where no plebs can get their hands on it.”
The figures come not long after police forces across the UK also announced plans to shift their crime-fighting resources and tactical focus away from shagging hippies to trying to catch criminals instead.
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Related articles by Tom Pride:
Angry police seek right to kettle themselves
UK police step up search for 400,000 missing Romanian and Bulgarian immigrants
Cameron’s office calls police on Bishop trying to deliver letter on poverty (not satire!)
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Mike Sivier said:
Reblogged this on Vox Political.
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jaypot2012 said:
Of course I giggled again… 😀
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jaypot2012 said:
Reblogged this on Jay's Journal and commented:
Something to smirk at 😀
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Jean Casale said:
Yes!
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Bluecat said:
Officer, I wish to report a robbery. In the last 30 years I’ve had my utilities, water, energy, my rail system and all my major assets stolen. Recently they’ve started stealing my schools and giving the deeds away to their confederates…
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stewilko said:
Reblogged this on stewilko's Blog.
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micant1812 said:
Reblogged this on My Blog.
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beastrabban said:
Reblogged this on Beastrabban’s Weblog.
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Jeffrey Davies said:
no crime committed then why are the jails full up another bent fiddling session on figures
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sdbast said:
Reblogged this on sdbast.
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peter said:
Thw words come to mind from the Rolling Stones song ROCK AND A HARD PLACE::
[STEEL WHEELS -1989]
“People are hungry, they crowd around, The city gets bigger as the country comes to town; We’re stuck between a rock and a hard place….This talk of freedom and human rights means bullying and private wars and chucking the dust into our eyes; We are peasant people poorer than dir, caught in the crossfire with nothing to lose but our shirts; Stuck between a rock and a hard place, you better stop put on a kind face Between a rock and a hard place…..”
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Neuron Therapy (@Neuron_Therapy) said:
No police to record crime ergo no crime
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Adam Pain said:
An excellent headline and the most glorious tongue in cheek tone, whilst exposing the problem with statistics. Good stuff!
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