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According to the official crime survey, the Office for National Statistics has said crime in England and Wales fell sharply last year after police confirmed 99% of the population have hardly anything left worth stealing.

Police figures recorded an 8% drop and a 5% reduction in crime due to government austerity policies which have left most homes not worth breaking into and most people so poor muggers can’t be bothered to rob them.

A spokesperson for the Home Office hailed the success of government policies which have left most people so hard up they would willingly join any burglars in a detailed search of their property for something valuable to take:

We are very happy to see this big fall in crime which is a direct result of our policies of selling off anything of value in the country to private investors abroad and stashing as much of the nation’s cash safely away from everyone in off-shore tax havens where no plebs can get their hands on it.

The figures come not long after police forces across the UK also announced plans to shift their crime-fighting resources and tactical focus away from shagging hippies to trying to catch criminals instead.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

Angry police seek right to kettle themselves

UK police step up search for 400,000 missing Romanian and Bulgarian immigrants

Cameron’s office calls police on Bishop trying to deliver letter on poverty (not satire!)


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