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(satire?)

Liberal Democrat Business Secretary Vince Cable has defied criticism that he is completely irrelevant in the government by proposing tough new measures that will force reckless film directors to compensate victims of their failed films.

The Department for Business, Innovation and Skills said Cable was “taking aim at dodgy directors” by bringing in tougher penalties for shit movies, with some of the worst offences recently seen in ‘The Big Wedding‘, ‘The Hangover Part 3‘ and ‘The Iron Lady.

Under the new measures, there would be greater freedom for courts to ban rubbish film-makers with convictions for making crap films overseas from showing their shoddy films in the UK – measures which could have prevented the German director Olivier Hirschbiegel from being allowed to bring his embarrassingly turgid bilge Diana” to UK cinema screens.

Courts would also have the power to force directors to compensate those who have lost out because they could have gone for a pizza or an Indian instead of wasting a whole evening having to sit through big-screen bukkake bollocks such as Dennis Dugan’s ‘Grown Ups 2‘ starring Adam Sandler and Salma Hayek.

However, Mr Cable has been criticised for watering down the plans from original proposals to make sure directors were automatically sentenced to a slow, painful death in public for sickening crimes such as inflicting stomach-churningly dreadful films like the Katy Perry documentary ‘Katy Perry: Part of Me’ on the UK population. 

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