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(not satire – believe it or not)

1. Michael Gove Abolishes Summer

2. National Blood Supply Sold Off To US Venture Capital Firm

3. Osborne Helps Out Struggling Millionaires With Tax Cut

4. £45m Paid Out To Teach Unemployed How To Use Toilet Paper

5. Dying Cancer Patients Told To Get Temporary Jobs

6. Government To Deter Immigrants To UK BY Making It Shit

7. Coalition To Tax Grannies, Bedrooms and Pasties

8. London’s Fire Engines Sold Off To Old-Etonian For £2

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