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(satire?)
By our science correspondent
Some species of Tories could be as advanced at reasoning and logical thinking as a human seven-year-old child, according to a new study.
Researchers subjected six wild Tories to a battery of tests designed to challenge their understanding of causal relationships and found most of them were as intelligent as an average five to seven-year-old human child.
The “water displacement” tasks were all variations of the so-called Aesop’s Fable test – in which thirsty Tories demonstrated a remarkable ability to drop disabled people into water-filled tubes in order to obtain floating rewards such as cash bonuses and other valuable share options.
The Tories tested in the study were able to accurately choose objects that were more likely to sink rather than float – such as the young, the old and the terminally ill. Most of the Tories were also able to quickly identify high yield off-shore tax havens over ones with low yields.
British Tories, named after the European islands where they are most often found, are famous for their primitive intelligence and inventiveness. They are the only non-primate species known to be able to fashion primitive tools such as expense accounts and tax evasion models out of sticks and hooks which they use to winkle out as much money as possible from the taxpayer.
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Related articles by Tom Pride:
Scientists succeed in growing balls on Liberal Democrats in laboratory
Scientists finally discover function of Nick Clegg
Frozen pensioners contain higher levels of vitamins and antioxidants say scientists
David Cameron stands by plan to reduce energy bills with more hot air
Scientists Claim Tiny Sub-Atomic Traces of Ethics Discovered in Barclays
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Please feel free to comment.
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Pride's Purge 
Reblogged this on My Blog.
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Reblogged this on Vox Political and commented:
I think Tom’s mistaken here. It seems more likely that these Tories were only copying behaviour they had heard of before; the ability to reason was bred out of the species around 40 years ago.
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I think there is definitely a link with little boys in shorts being unable to take any responsibility for anything let alone for others and the country. I understand that the mature adult male actually does take full responsibility not only for himself but for others especially those weaker and more vulnerable than themselves.
Maybe they do not mature because they are thrust into all-male environments at a very early age and are not exposed to the nurturing and love to develop normally. The all-male macho societies at universities they frequent and then parliament contribute to them being unable to develop and mature normally.
Sadly they seem to think that money compensates for this but as most of them have masses of it already it just seems to make them even more greedy.
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Observational studies indicate their inability to socialisation; which gives an average age of around 18 months/2 years old. It has been noted that ‘they’ are prone to throwing food, when placed in a seated areas (meal times), and cause havoc within the setting; their parents are increasingly contacted in order to ‘pay the bill’.. psychological studies would suggest that these traits are bourn out of ‘neglect’ and ‘indulgent’ parenting techniques, which leads to the term ‘tory twat’ (and ‘fuck wit’).
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Surely you mean the ability was inbred out of the species?
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You make a good point!
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lol nail on the head blah blah
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ps and amnesiaclinic
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Reblogged this on Beastrabban’s Weblog and commented:
I’m not sure intelligence is quite the right term for this. It could simply be a form of highly developed, but strictly limited thinking seen in other parts of the animal kingdom, such as the elaborate dams built by beavers or the massive burrows constructed by meercats. In this case, the ability to identify high yield off-shore tax havens is really only a variety of such animal intelligence, that does not equate to other forms of creative thought associated with developed primate intelligence. One may, for example, compare it with the hand-axes produced by Homo Erectus and other primitive humans, which remained essentially the same with little innovation over millions of years. The problem with such information is that it can lead to increased anthropomorphism, as people mistakenly attribute more advanced forms of thinking to these creatures that simply isn’t there.
Furthermore, on the basis of such information, I would reconstruct the Tories’ hominid family tree as descended from Pilton Down – a fraudulent creature combining the features of the human and orang-utan. And thus was modern Conservatism founded.
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a fine example of the specimen has been found today, the MariaMillerus has been excavated overnight by a hardy group of souls in the region of Wombledon. It appears all the traits of rampant opportunism and disguised appropriation have led many to suspect there could be more …..watch this space
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