The Department for Work and Pensions has announced that Iain Duncan Smith is to undergo aortic valve enlargement surgery after doctors discovered his heart has suffered so much severe shrinkage that it was in danger of disappearing altogether.
A spokesperson for the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said Mr Duncan Smith met with a heart specialist last week to discuss the surgical procedure after routine tests showed his heart was several sizes too small even for a top Tory.
Medical experts say that Mr Duncan Smith will also undergo emergency rectum replacement surgery after his entire system of moral rectitude was found to be so full of tough shit he has had to resort to extracting facts and figures from his anus manually.
Severe heart shrinkage – a common ailment among senior members of the Conservative Party – is often accompanied by a lack of control over normal bodily functions such as giving a shit as well as other symptoms such as a persistent need to urinate on anyone less fortunate than yourself at least 20 times a day.
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