Despite controversies over the Olympics and two separate ongoing Serious Fraud Office investigations, the coalition government has announced security company G4S is to take over all UK Christmas present delivery services from Santa.
The scandal-ridden group, which admitted its failure to provide enough staff for the London Olympics was a “humiliating shambles” and is now embroiled in Serious Fraud Office probes into both its contract for tagging criminals and its welfare-to-work contract, is to take over the Christmas Day delivery contract which has historically been provided by Finnish company Santa Claus.
G4S is expected to bring new technology to the delivery of Christmas presents across the UK, with a fleet of 20 specially-adapted brand new Peugeot Boxer vans with GPS replacing the more traditional magic flying reindeers and a team of 150 highly-trained unemployed workfare ‘volunteers’ ready to climb down chimneys and hand-deliver presents to every child in every home in the UK.
A spokesperson for G4S said the company was confident it would be able to fulfil the tough terms of the contract as it was already experienced in receiving large amounts of taxpayers’ money for providing non-existent fantasy services* to the UK government such as not tagging prisoners who don’t exist.
The spokesperson also added that specialist training would be provided for every Christmas present delivery team member – all of whom will be required to undertake a specialist intensive 3-day training course on how to eat biscuits safely and not fall off roofs after drinking sherry all night.
Team members will also be highly motivated by the fact they could face sanctions and lose money if they don’t manage to successfully deliver the correct presents to every child in every home in the UK within a 5-hour period during the night of Christmas.
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*If you’re under the age of 7 and you’re reading this – Santa does exist.
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