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(satire?)

Despite controversies over the Olympics and two separate ongoing Serious Fraud Office investigations, the coalition government has announced security company G4S is to take over all UK Christmas present delivery services from Santa.

The scandal-ridden group, which admitted its failure to provide enough staff for the London Olympics was a “humiliating shambles” and is now embroiled in Serious Fraud Office probes into both its contract for tagging criminals and its welfare-to-work contract, is to take over the Christmas Day delivery contract which has historically been provided by Finnish company Santa Claus.

G4S is expected to bring new technology to the delivery of Christmas presents across the UK, with a fleet of 20 specially-adapted brand new Peugeot Boxer vans with GPS replacing the more traditional magic flying reindeers and a team of 150 highly-trained unemployed workfare ‘volunteers’ ready to climb down chimneys and hand-deliver presents to every child in every home in the UK.

A spokesperson for G4S said the company was confident it would be able to fulfil the tough terms of the contract as it was already experienced in receiving large amounts of taxpayers’ money for providing non-existent fantasy services* to the UK government such as not tagging prisoners who don’t exist.

The spokesperson also added that specialist training would be provided for every Christmas present delivery team member – all of whom will be required to undertake a specialist intensive 3-day training course on how to eat biscuits safely and not fall off roofs after drinking sherry all night.

Team members will also be highly motivated by the fact they could face sanctions and lose money if they don’t manage to successfully deliver the correct presents to every child in every home in the UK within a 5-hour period during the night of Christmas.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Government announce whole of England and Wales to be outsourced to G4S

G4S are now teaching and looking after our children. Are we all mad?

Meet ALS – the new G4S (or how Delboy hoodwinked ministers out of £300m)

G4S Boss Nick Buckles Admits His Mullet Is `Humiliating Shambles’

Privatisation and handover of policing to G4S is already well underway…

G4S Embassy Guards Sacked By US Government For Drinking Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Bottoms. Not satire – it’s true!

Not satire – prisoner escaped curfew after G4S mistakenly tagged his false leg!

Oh dear! G4S were in charge of security at airport which let 9/11 hijackers slip through.

Serious Breach Of Security As Worker Smuggles Can of Pepsi Into Olympic Park

G4S have their own corporate song – but maybe these would be more appropriate ……

Would refusing to cooperate with a G4S detective mean you could be charged with hindering a police investigation?

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*If you’re under the age of 7 and you’re reading this – Santa does exist.

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