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(satire?)

London Mayor Boris Johnson has announced greed and envy are to be sold off to private developers as part of his plans to reduce the seven deadly sins across London to just five.

In a controversial speech on Friday, Mr Johnson revealed he was planning to allow city developers to take over the entire provision of greed and envy in the capital – with the majority of the remaining five vices to be rebranded and officially downgraded from ‘cardinal’ to ‘pretty good’.

The announcement comes only weeks after Mr Johnson also announced a drastic reduction in the number of graces in the capital from three to just one – with Hope and Charity to be axed altogether leaving only Faith to be outsourced to G4S in what one insider described as “a multi-million pound deal”.

G4S has long been regarded as one of the world’s leading experts in the sole use of Faith and Chance to fulfil contractual obligations in its provision of outsourced services to both local and national governments.

At the press conference, Mr Johnson explained his reasons for agreeing to the privatisation of two of the most important cardinal sins in the capital:

The City of London is no stranger to greed and envy and I feel quite sure both will flourish in the hands of private City developers who have a long and proud tradition of extensive sinning both venially and cardinally.

Insiders say there are a string of private contractors already interested in taking over the remaining five cardinal sins yet to be outsourced – with SERCO set to bid for sole control of avarice and G4S interested in expanding its impressive sloth and greed portfolios.

However, Mr Johnson is expected to retain sole control of gluttony, with lust also expected to remain in the hands of the Mayor at least until the next mayoral election due to take place in 2016.

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