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In a severe blow to the pro-independence campaign, Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond has admitted an independent Scotland would probably have to retain both Michael Gove and Danny Alexander, despite many attempts by Scottish ministers to persuade the English they don’t want them.

Mr Salmond said on Tuesday that although an independent Scotland would have its own defence force and collect its own taxes, the newly-formed country would have no choice but to keep the Education Secretary and the Treasury Minister, despite Westminster indicating it would be willing to accept joint sovereignty over David Tennant and Sean Connery.

However, in a 670-page blueprint aimed at convincing Scots they should vote on September 18 next year to end a 306-year union with England, Salmond insisted there would be no need to keep Susan Boyle if Scotland broke away, but that an Independent Scotland would be happy to share Billy Connolly if it proved necessary during negotiations in the run-up to independence.

With separatists lagging in opinion polls, the First Minister is hoping the blueprint will win over many sceptics, answering important questions on sensitive issues of national importance his Scottish National Party has been accused of dodging, such as which country was going to end up with numpties like Gove and Alexander.

“We know we have the people, the skills, and resources to make Scotland a more successful country,” said Salmond, “but even I’d think twice about voting for independence if we have to put up with bloody Gove and frigging Alexander back up here in an independent Scotland.”

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

How The Gove Stole Summer (with apologies to Dr. Suess)

Alex Salmond Wins Release Of Dissident Pandas From Chinese Government

Scottish Conservatives Show Support For Oppressed Minorities By Electing Openly Tory Leader

Tough exams and six of the best from a well-oiled cane are keys to success says Michael Gove

BBFC – Michael Gove ‘too scary’ for under-12s

More People Believe In Loch Ness Monster Than In Osborne’s Ability To Run Economy

Act Of Gove: an event beyond human control – often of a destructive nature – for which there is no legal redress

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