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The Liberal Democrats have announced a radical plan to revive their flagging fortunes and improve the party’s electoral prospects by pledging to nail Nick Clegg’s scrotum to the floor in the run-up to the next election.

In a manifesto review by the party’s electoral strategy committee, party leaders announced 5 major policies the Lib Dems would implement if they win the next election:

  • All elected Liberal Democrat MPs and party peers will be made to have “I must not break my written pledges” roughly tattooed by an extremely drunk dodgy-looking skinhead tattooist in large red or black Gothic lettering across their arses.
  • Taxpayers will be given a cast-iron guarantee that if the Liberal Democrat leader Vince Cable ever so much as thinks of agreeing with the Tories on any subject ever again, he will be made to write it out 12 times on 12 crisp new A4 sheets of paper, and will be forced to publicly give himself 12 separate paper cuts across his bell-end with them.
  • And we mean proper cuts that really hurt without any anaesthetic or anything.
  • Nick Clegg has agreed to nail his own scrotum to the floor, with other options for it to be stapled or underpinned to a copy of the party’s manifesto, should the party win the next election.
  • All full-time students will be offered a risk free, tax free option to take paper copies of these or any other written pledges made by elected Liberal Democrat representatives, fold them into any shape they wish and insert them up a Lib Dem’s arse of their choice should they ever even consider breaking them.

A Liberal Democrat party spokesperson said he hoped the new policies would persuade enough voters to vote Liberal Democrat at the next election to enable them to form a government – just so everyone can see the look of surprise on Clegg’s face when he sees the surprise exit poll and realises he really will be having to nail his own scrotum to the floor. Without anaesthetic.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

Sheffield man left with nothing after falling victim to Westminster conmen

Scientists finally discover function of Nick Clegg

Nick Clegg Sells Principles To Debenhams

Nick Clegg pledges clampdown on harassment of hot Lib Dem peers by women

Nick Clegg to Lib Dems – “Prepare for Oppositionment!”

Lib Dems poll fewer votes than the Pirate Party in by-election (not satire!)

All Lib Dem MPs in England and Wales to be microchipped by 2015

Coalition split after Tory minister says UK ‘peppered’ with too many wind-powered Lib Dem MPs 

Nick Clegg tries to shed clean-cut image by dry humping a foam finger during PMQs


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