I’ve applied for a job at the Daily Mail. Here’s my application letter

Dear Mr Dacre,

My name is Thomas Pride and I’m senior political editor at Pride’s Purge. Well actually I’m the only editor at Pride’s Purge – or person even – but my good friend Mehdi Hasan suggested I drop you a line as I’m very keen to write for the Daily Mail.

Although I am on the left of the political spectrum, and disagree with the Mail’s editorial line on a range of issues such as, well, just about everything you could think of really, I have always admired the paper’s passion, rigour, boldness and, of course, top rates of pay.

While you may think I differ substantially from the Mail’s usual columnists – I can assure you I believe very strongly that the Mail has a vitally important role to play on important contemporary matters which I am very keen to highlight – particularly substantive issues such as for example the dire state of my bank account.

Admittedly, there could be some minor social issues on which you may think we do not see eye to eye. For example I tend to regard disadvantaged children as the nation’s most wasted valuable resource – a massive and damaging failure of collective consensus and public investment in the very people who hold the future of our society and our planet in their tiny hands – as opposed to the disposable factory fodder that you obviously see them as.

And I have to admit I quite admire single mothers – the vast majority of them single-handedly bringing up their children with love and providing them with solace and security while often trying to hold down a badly-paid job with little or no support from anyone else – while you tend to see them as legions of demonic harpies intent on bringing about the destruction of middle England and every value we hold dear- ready to plunge us all into a dark age of immorality, malfeasance and delinquency in their relentless quest to suck the nation’s hard-working millionaires dry of their hard-won luxury lifestyles, private yachts and tax breaks.

But I’m sure we could just agree to disagree on that, couldn’t we?

I believe – as does Mehdi – that if you decided to employ me as one of your columnists, I could be a fresh, passionate, polemical and contrarian, not to mention a much richer, voice on the comment and feature pages of your award-winning newspaper. My contributions would provide an alternative view of the world for your readers – with a column noticeably unlike the rest of your newspaper’s content because it would include facts, reason and things which were true.

For the record, I am not a Labour tribalist and am often ultra-critical of the left – especially on social and moral issues such as the morality of selling yourself out to a right-wing, tiny-minded red-top rag owned by a nazi-sympathising family of tax exiles who give so much scarcity of shit about our country that they don’t even live here.

I however – unlike my fellow leftists and liberals – have no such qualms.

I could therefore write pieces for the Mail critical of Labour and the left, from “inside” Labour and the left – with the level of disparagement and opprobrium directly correlated to the amount of money you pay me. A couple of grand ( I believe that’s known as a ‘Geoffrey Archer’ in Fleet street slang) would get you say a few insinuations of incompetence levelled at my fellow leftists – with at least ten grand for fully-made up stories of infidelity or corruption.

A bit of background: I am a retired 350-year old ex-officer of Oliver Cromwell’s New Model Army. I don’t think it would be immodest of me to point out that I was responsible for arguably the only coup-d’etat in British history – namely the purging of the parliament of undesirable MPs and peers way back in December 1648, during the Second English Civil War. So clearly, I don’t suffer fools glady, although I assure you I would be more than happy to make an exception in the case of the Daily Mail. Given a suitable fee of course.

I believe that as an ex-military man and Puritan, I’m sure I will be popular with the more conservative minded members of your readership – although the fact I was heavily involved in the events which led to the execution of the reigning monarch of the time may have to be kept quiet from the more Royalist of them.

(Don’t worry about the Puritan bit by the way – I’m well and truly lapsed now and like most of Fleet Street am quite liable to down half a bottle of whisky given half of an excuse to do it, although I’d struggle to keep a mistress at my age, as you could well imagine.)

I do hope you’ll consider me for future columns and features in the Daily Mail on political, social, moral or religious issues. I’m sure that if we were allowed to cooperate, we would be able to forge a successful and fruitful working relationship to our mutual benefit – despite the fact you may regard many of my views and opinions as a form of socialism.

In fact, considering your newspaper owner’s fondness for national socialism – I believe we may already be half-way there.

Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,

Thomas Pride
Senior Editor (Politics)
Pride’s Purge

Related articles by Tom Pride:

Of course the Daily Mail doesn’t like Ed Miliband. He’s a Jew.

UPDATE on Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre’s father avoiding the front-line in WW2

Daily Mail apologises to its readers after admitting publishing something true

Daily Mail fail – newspaper uses false photo in Kenya shopping centre article

Oops! Daily Mail gets British immigration test wrong

An APOLOGY to The Daily Mail from TOM PRIDE

The Death of Satire? The Mail’s David Rose complains about being smeared