Actually I’m joking about Michael Gove’s face. I wouldn’t ban it. Gove’s face is an essential landmark in our political landscape – like Michael Fabricant‘s hair or Dennis Skinner’s gruff wit.

On the other hand I would definitely ban public displays of Iain Duncan Smith if I was PM. Nothing too drastic – just 10 years without parole for a first offence.

Here are some other things I’d ban if I was in charge:

1) Smirking in public places. Especially by politicians. Who should probably all come with a public health warning displayed in a prominent position anyway.

2) All sale, distribution and use of highly addictive substances such as bankers’ bonuses and political directorships. These drugs are tearing apart the very moral fabric of our society. They corrupt our youth and destroy humanity by reducing all aspiration, productivity, civilised thought and reason to a base need to acquire more and more and more of the useless opiates at the expense of everyone and everything else. Life without parole for repeated misuse, I’d say.

3) Public displays of graphic self-pleasuring of the press by the press. Do I really have to watch all this self regulation, mutual bondage and false self-flagellation of the press pretending to be submissive to itself? It’s disgusting.

I would also put an immediate stop to the pornographic, stomach-churning public displays of mutual masturbation we have to stomach every day of Rupert Murdoch by politicians of all parties. We need to regulate this disgusting behaviour once and for all with strong sanctions for those members of the press – big ones and small – who choose to carry on with this perverse behaviour.

4) ‘Kumbaya My Lord‘. I hate this song. I don’t know why. And ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands‘. I’m not a violent person normally but even just reading the lyrics makes me want to do nasty things to people. Ban them now. They’re dangerous. Even between consenting adults in the privacy of their own churches. If some politicians think we can regulate who we can and can’t get married to – surely we can put a stop these dreadful perversities masquerading as real, normal, traditional songs? Bring back the birch for such behaviour I say!

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OK. So what would you ban if you were PM?