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(satire?)

Vladimir Putin is to be confronted at the G20 summit of world leaders in St Petersburg this week with an array of western intelligence including damning new French evidence directly linking the Syrian president with Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, vodka sodas and a range of other offensive stereotypes showing Mr al-Assad is gay.

In an attempt to persuade the Russian president to drop his support for the Syrian leader, a nine-page declassified French intelligence report was released on Monday which claimed to show the President Bashar al-Assad has been using self-tanning lotion on his legs and attending gym sessions regularly dressed in a crisp white sleeveless t-shirt and tight, yellow shorts.

However, Assad, in an interview with the French newspaper Le Figaro, again denied he or anyone close to him had ever used any stereotypical gay terminology and strongly rejected accusations that he had ever described anything as “to die for“.

The Russian foreign minister, Sergey Lavrov, also rejected the western intelligence as “absolutely unconvincing”:

Whoever makes accusations must provide proof and not simply present a list of gay stereotypes which can be picked up by anyone off the internet. We have challenged the US and France to put forward a single piece of proof of president Assad’s sexual preferences. But so far, Mr Obama and Mr Hollande have been incapable of doing so.

However, the Nato secretary-general, Anders Fogh Rasmussen also insisted that the Syrian president was hiding his sexual orientation:

Personally I am convinced, not only that Mr Assad isn’t just metrosexual … but I am also convinced that the whole Syrian regime is full of bears, twinks and gym bunnies.*

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*Yes, I know the terminology is potentially offensive. That’s the satirical point of it.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

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CAMERON – drama queen of the desert?

Opinion poll boost for Labour and Ed Miliband after Syria vote

Final proof the Lib Dems have become ‘Tory-lite’ – party as gung-ho as Tories about going to war

Shock and outrage after poisonous hot air attack launched on rebels by Michael Gove

Syria Attack Attacked After Syrian Attack on Syrians Attacked

Tony Blair to sue David Cameron over plagiarising of his 2003 work of fiction ‘War Scenario’

6 embarrassing links between Syria’s President Assad and Britain

Cameron and Obama move closer to taking military action against their growing unpopularity

Now’s not the time to mention that Cameron took 8 arms dealers with him to Egypt. OK?

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