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(satire?)

The government has vowed not to give in to pressure from thousands of protesters across the country aged between 3 and 12 who are refusing to go to bed when told to by their parents.

And in signs that authorities are losing patience with the unruly protesters, pressure is mounting on police after complaints that officers have been resorting to using excessive force to remove the most obstinate tots.

A video sent to Pride’s Purge appears to show police officers forcing one protester to go to bed by brutally tickling pressure points under his chin and ruthlessly bending his teddy bear.

Sussex Police were asked on Monday morning to clarify their techniques and tactics against protesters since the mass countrywide protests against bedtime by toddlers were revealed – but as Pride’s Purge went to press last night, police authorities had still failed to respond to our urgent enquiries.

The controversy comes not long after police revealed they are reviewing operational tactics to shift crime-fighting focus away from shagging hippies while undercover to catching criminals instead.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Angry police seek right to kettle themselves

UK security services in chaos after British agents discover existence of sinister ‘USB sticks’

Jim Davidson cleared of allegations he is a comedian, say prosecutors

Guess which country’s security services are monitoring Skype more than any other in the world

On-the-spot fines for being common or poor come into force 

Government announces clampdown on grooming of middle-aged men by predatory teenage girls

Immigration officers accused of singling out ‘Australian’ looking people in spot checks

Fracking – go-ahead given for extraction of foot from Lord Howell’s mouth

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